17th December. Sitting here at midnight with a copy of the novel, "Wide Sargasso Sea," by Jean Rhys. Reminds me of the book, "Black Elk Speaks," introduced to me by my enigmatic friend, Helen, with whom I shared the universe of ideas that no one else could see or understand. Even now, after nearly 23 years living with my wonderful wife, I still feel an ache of absence for Helen. She and I held no traditional romantic notions for each other so I will never speak of a broken heart – more like a disconnected mind, a separation of souls, if you will.
My wife and I understand each other physically and share the same interests. Helen and I were mentally connected somehow. The closest I've come in comparing my relationship with her exists in the friendships I formed first with my sister and then with my first girlfriend, Reneé Dobbs, with whom I held a school-based relationship from third grade until she died in fifth grade – Platonism personified. I have wanted to put in words what Helen has meant to me and failed to find the perfect poetic form of expression, except in a poem I gave her of which she has the only copy, and in my best book-sized attempt, "Helen of Kosciusko," a novel of ideas and expressions.
I do not claim a high enough level of intelligence to express what Helen and I experienced together. In fact, the pain of my separation from her clouds my judgment and prevents me from comprehending in an impartial manner what Helen seemed to know when she told me clearly, "Don't be confused," after I told her I wasn't sure what our friendship was all about.
Therefore, I gave up trying to decipher our coded conversations and accepted them for what they were – the definition of a friendship outside space and time. What we had I may never describe to myself or the world satisfactorily.
My wife has always seen Helen as a threat because, even though my wife is the smartest woman I know, she hasn't seen that Helen and I existed together on another plane, far distant from any type of "normal" relationship that gets in the way of two people in love.
Helen will always be a part of me. We were buddies, pals, kindred spirits but never lovers. Many girls thought because Helen and I ran around together, we naturally were sexually involved with each other so the girls did not want to get in the way until Helen and I stopped dating. But Helen and I never dated. We just were one person and another person doing things together. Does that make sense? I don't know. We were both happy for the other to get married.
Helen believes in Christ and the simple fact that our purpose on this planet is to glorify God by having children that also honors your father and mother in the process. I do not believe in an omniscient creator of the universe and thus have no need to worship and honor my ancestors. I have not produced offspring because I have felt no need to put a copy of myself or my parents on this planet. Helen has known this about me for a long time. She and her husband have been able to honor their parents with kids. My wife and I have been able to give our parents the care and attention that only childless couples can devote themselves to, conflict-free.
As much as I would have liked to hang out with Helen, I knew the day would come when her serious need to fulfill family obligations overrode my desire to have fun. She completed her college degree while I…well, I continued my journey of self-discovery.
Neither Helen nor I are the people we were. I know of my old self and know almost nothing of Helen's new self. That is why I am here now. I am thinking on paper about why I still remember Helen fondly, why I believe there is still much territory of the mind I could discover with her but probably won't, due to current circumstances. I only hope that in her offspring a little of our time together has rubbed off and perhaps one of them can continue exploring, looking for the hidden treasures of the mind. If that happened, then I can die a happy man.
I chose never to try to impress Helen's father that I would make a good son in-law for him. I knew he and I would not see eye-to-eye. However, no matter how "badly" he may think I influenced Helen, I thank him for the daughter that he and his wife raised and put in my life. I thank Helen's husband for the support he gave Helen as they raised their kids together. Both these men gave Helen what I could not give or ever planned to give her – a family.
I have continued to explore the mind by myself, going slowly to ensure that I record what I've discovered since I don't have a companion like Helen to help me interpret what I see. My wife does not explore minds – she lives in the present and deals with everyday reality, allowing me the freedom to dig into the thought process. I would not trade my wife for anyone but I still would like to see the world through Helen's eyes, to know once and for all if she and I have uncovered the same secrets (or the fact that there really are no secrets, just experiences that not everyone else has had). I have always believed that Helen and I could advance the evolution of the human mind; we would prove that the multiple streams of thought inside individuals can simultaneously occur in others' thought processes in such a way that a synergy forms between all members of the human species, opening up instant understanding of the manner in which we are all uniquely motivated to live. Once this unveiling occurs, we will break the fear and terror that binds too many people and instead demonstrate that our general self interest to survive can be channeled to help all humans thrive without repression, lies and deception. Helen and I would train others to look beyond superficial means of communication – how we dress, how we use facial expressions, how we speak, how we write – and delve into the deeper layers that put aside our cultural and individual personality traits so that we can find the universal human self we all share. After we get that training accomplished, there's no holding back what humans can do together, regardless of our particular quirks, handicaps, or capabilities. In fact, we'll do better because of them.
If Helen can instill (or has instilled) just a little bit of this in her kids, nieces, and nephews, there is hope for the future. I am trying to instill this in my nieces and nephews and know there is hope for the future. Perhaps you and your kids can do the same. It is a legacy I would proudly share with Helen, no matter whether we ever see each other or talk together again.
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