Fermez Ma Bouche

Yesterday was a good day to stay away from the house. Apparently, if I can believe the joking antics of some of my colleagues, I've been running my trap too much lately, talking about things I have no business discussing with anonymous strangers on the Internet. So I simply made myself inconveniently unavailable during normal business hours to avoid contact with someone(s) interested in making the point clear. While I was hiking in the woods, I saw the driveby looking for signs of life in my house. I get the point. I'll change my topic of conversation, at least on this blog.

On my part of this planet (or rather, the part of the planet where I sit today, since I really have no part of or part in it), water falls from the sky and loud noises rumble around me. In younger days, I would don my running gear and enjoy the cool, wet jogging weather. I am less agile and supposedly more wise so I'll just sit here with you, if that's okay. Take your glasses off and sit a spell. I've got something I want to tell you.

Surely, there are books with advice about how to conduct an affair. A good book would approach the subject from several angles and give a variety of readers useful information, so that no matter what age, socioeconomic situation, marital status or other background an interested reader has, one can walk away and put the advice to immediate use.

Personally, I'm not interested in reading such a book. I'd rather discover the secrets of keeping an affair secret and write about the secrets for myself.

For instance, if you're married and still have physical contact with your spouse (or regular cohabitation partner), do you know what your spouse smells like, looks like and tastes like? Do you know if your partner knows what you smell like, look like and taste like? Remember, I like to keep things simple. These are basic aspects of living with someone, such as being courteous and kind enough to pay attention to your partner's physical being. That way, if your partner is sick, you notice it and do something about it. I don't care how boring or abusive your current relationship may be (and thus a reason for starting an affair), you don't stop being human.

In the same way, your new lover has smells, looks and tastes with which you become familiar. STOP RIGHT THERE! That's where you get yourself in trouble. You see, you may find yourself so attracted to your new lover that you forget about your lover's smells and tastes that differ from those of your spouse or regular partner.

SECRET AFFAIR RULE NO. 1: Unless you're trying to get out of your marriage or partnership, don't take your new lover's smells and tastes back home with you.

I'll give you an example. I used to smoke. I quit smoking a long time ago (took me two years to fully kick the habit with only an occasional lapse every month or year or so as time went on). Thus, if I was going to have an affair with a person who smoked, then my lips, mustache, beard, hair and clothes would carry the smell of smoke, and get the attention of my spouse who has never smoked. [One exception being the Dreamland BBQ restaurant where the BBQ pit/fireplace circulates smoke throughout the place so well my clothes end up smelling like smoke and I walk away with no excuse for smoky-smelling clothes except a belly full of good cooking.]

Same goes for your lover's body smells/tastes, including perfume, cologne, shampoo, body wash, lip gloss, lipstick, deodorant, clothes washing detergent, clothes dryer antistatic sheets, foot powder, aftershave lotion, shoes, clothes, bedsheets, general smell of your lover's home (pets, children, spouse, types of cooked food, etc.), sweat/perspiration, "love" scent, etc. If your spouse is suspicious and/or extrasensitive to smells, I suggest meeting your lover at a hotel and immediately stripping off your clothes, putting them in a plastic bag. In addition, bring your toiletries with you and take a shower/bath before you leave so that you smell like your regular self. Some scents are stronger than others so if you engage in certain acts of love, make sure you wash the appropriate body parts really well. If you meet in each other's home, then let your lover clean up in something other than the bathroom your spouse/partner uses.

This is a simple rule but one I've seen many a marriage partner fail to follow when having a secret affair, especially casual affairs. It's those spur of the moment one-night stands that get you because you're so focused on the moment that you forget about the big picture and your spouse is left wondering why your breath suddenly smells like an ashtray.

Of course, if your spouse or regular partner treats you like a forgotten piece of furniture then you're more likely to be able to get away with a lifetime of affairs without all the cloak-and-dagger, CSI coverup stuff. In that case, my telephone number is +1-555-555-1212 and my IM is...just kidding. You think I'd be stupid enough to post my personal contact info here for every spammer to download?

Rule No. 1 only applies to affairs close to home. Other rules include marriage licenses with mileage/distance limits, what to say when your spouse/partner notices the number of consecutive days without sexual contact between you and your spouse/partner, and what to do when one lover catches you with another lover and threatens to destroy your marriage/partnership. I'll add other rules of my own as well as ones from some of my readers who continue to provide me details about their secret affairs. Just remember, I enjoy your stories but I'm not your father confessor so I make no promises about keeping your sordid lives confidential. At the same time, (in order to satisfy my legal counsel) I make no promises that I'll post details of your stories.