The Rocket Ship Left Without Me

My Dearest,

Thanks for your honest reply. It was more than I could have hoped for.

I apologize for being a cad - fear of what a new physical relationship with you would do to me reignited all the confusion and strong emotions of my childhood and I didn't know how to stop those feelings except by cutting them off abruptly. I found myself once again feeling like a man, and daggone it, I hate to admit it was a good feeling that I don't feel like I deserve anymore! [...makes me jealous of your husband that you can still make a man feel like a man...] You always had that effect on me and always will. I will not apologize for the emotions you invoked in me or I invoked in you - no matter whether you never respond to me again, your kind voice, sweet smile, warm hugs and physical attraction will be in my thoughts to the day I die.

I pray that your health improves and that your daughter finds the life she deserves. May you and your husband resolve the issues that occur when couples become empty nesters, rediscovering what you mean to each other. In my heart, I know that your future will be bright! May your life be blessed with grandchildren and may your parents be there to celebrate that new phase of your life with you!

I will miss you - the only consolation I have in seeing that we will never be emotionally involved together again is knowing that my actions have shown your daughter, the neutral observer during the time you and I spent together, that guys like me who are nice on the outside have emotional shortcomings that get in the way of long-term relationships. As a friend told me when I was so despondent after our breakup, love means opening up our emotional side, making us vulnerable, exposing us to so many wonderful feelings but at the same time possibly leading us to letdowns and emotional disasters. As only I thought I knew, I don't trust my emotional side at times and now there's clearly someone else out there who can agree with that and warn people away from being attracted to me. I'm sorry it had to be you. As you said, my loss of you I have to live with the rest of my life, something that will hit me every time I see a red-haired woman or a sweet, smiling face, real people in real moments that always remind me of you. Nothing ever replaced my relationship with you and now, sadly, nothing ever will.

Love always...