I need your help today. I feel lonely and alone, by myself in a good way and a bad way, not knowing who or what I am, if I have any value even if I don't care if I care that I have a value.
I have no religion other than myself. I am both my god and my worshipper. At times, I need more than one worshipper and at times I need more than one god. I know I am not perfect because perfection does not exist, only the appearance of purity and perfection.
I am my body, or the appearance of a body, the shores through which the river of life flows, the vessel of ever-changing fluids. Nothing about me is the same as it was or will be.
I am the product of my ancestors and the byproduct of my elders. I never existed but I only know how to act as if I exist. I am not ready to be completely transparent although, like all religious practitioners, I have spent my life preparing for my death, the ultimate absence of self.
I sat in meditation last night and pondered the following:
- What was discussed in the recent gathering of billionaires? Is my inside knowledge of the event accurate?
- The next generation of computing devices will do away with computer programming as we know it. No more binary code, no more central processing; e.g., mesh networking of synchronous, cooperative behavior between semi-autonomous functions.
I live in a limited timeframe, indicated by 1962-xxxx (with xxxx possibly as far away as 2062 but probably a lower number). I have thousands, even millions and billions, of years to look back on but only dozens of years to look forward to. My contribution to my species is limited only by my actions in this lifetime since it appears I will not reproduce myself. What shall I do?
Reading is passive yet preparatory behavior. Writing is sedentary action.
I know where general, mob/mass human activity is best applied to species' survival, based on observation of past civilizations, but don't know where to apply aggressive, hypercompetitive behaviour. I am not the competitive type. I am something else...self-centered but cooperative, pretending to live outside society but acting within it, still seeking my parents' approval to some extent, even if I'll give them no grandchildren. Funny thought: to be a product of animals desiring reproduction, caring for their young, and yet bearing no personal/social drive to reproduce myself -- what neurochemical changes distinguished my fetal growth into a childless adulthood from those who developed into adults gladly and readily reproducing?
I remember being told many times in my youth (and still today, to some degree) that I'm destined for greatness (in the realm of human existence, of course). Well, what those other humans who praised me don't realize is that I've surveyed the past and the present, finding no human civilizations worth being great within. We're sophisticated monkeys, not gods. What's so great about that? Thus, I leave having kids and taking care of family to those who see greatness in being human together.
I was conceived by humans, nurtured as if I was a human baby, and spent my whole life being treated by myself and others as a human being, only to discover that I am not human at all because none of us exist. We only think we do. Our lives are illusions we create to procreate and perpetuate.
In the not-so distant future, human collectivism will reach global unity as we learn we do not exist as individuals but truly are only parts of a whole. Before that happens, large-scale movements of distinct populations will continue to take place, causing small-scale skirmishes in both warlike and non-warlike behaviour. Some classified populations will cease to exist. You and your offspring may or may not be part of the surviving population classes. When unity occurs, as it is slowly happening now, group consensus can either lead to greatness or depravity but will probably include both. We will be like an ant colony, with local aphid "farms" and groomers who travel around the world in the role of international project managers.
My interest in all this is seeing how we coordinate the changing of opinions of people with diverse beliefs without letting them know what's going on. I, for one, am not a follower of the gaia/earthmother/healing crystal movement but many people maintain beliefs in that area. However, there is much to be gained from that viewpoint, including systemic/macroeconomic studies of human behaviour as well as promotion of quasi-scientific information as a way to sway opinions or food consumption. How long do we keep "Petri dish" cultures around, such as indigenous tribes and Amish farmers, to serve as control groups (and gene pools) in case experiments on changing densely populated groups get out of control, so we can clearly see the social costs of such changes as switching food sweeteners from cane sugar to high fructose corn syrup or the adoption of tobacco smoking as a norm?
I am just one human. I will not and do not want to change the world. As a writer, I look for interesting viewpoints to record in words. That's all I do. I do not want to sell large copies of the works I've written but I will place them in public because I've been conditioned to believe that writers should seek readers. I'm just happy to be here, with you, the anonymous reader, even if the only reader happens to be me, my worshipper and my god.
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