Mt. Ofolympicproportions

"And I say that we throw 30 more virgins into the giant crack in the earth."

"Why?"

"Well, my illuminated, enlightened, glorious leader, it will appease the gods."

"And what shall I tell the families who are sacrificing their daughters for this theory of yours?"

"Tell them...tell them they are gaining great favour with the gods."

"By that, you mean I will have to bribe them through some backdoor method that they will not be aware of?"

"If, my great and wonderful, all-seeing empire builder...if that is your wish."

"Let me think about it for a minute. Hmm...so you think the gods want to fill this new gap in the earth with young female bodies? And does this mean they act as some sort of paste or mortar to hold our empire together? Will this keep my monuments intact? Will the temples stand firm just because we threw some people into a new crevice?"

"Oh, Magnificent One, you ask many wise questions."

"Wise? I am not wise. I am curious, that's all. What is a person made of that the gods need to keep from causing more earthquakes? I mean, are the people sacrificial idiots? Do we rule by fear and intimidation just so I can wear these gold-threaded outfits and eat fresh fruit all year long?"

"Tremendous thoughts, my lord. You capture the ideas of many rulers before you."

"Do I? I just don't know... What if these virgins could think for themselves? Would any of them have ideas for creating expansion joints that let our buildings, bridges and roads sway with earthquakes and not fall apart?"

"Grand and encouraging master, we have no choice but to sacrifice the virgins. The people demand we keep the gods happy."

"Yes, yes, I see. Leave me alone for half a day. I will consult with my private gods to divine the purest and most precise answer we need to make the people, the government, the gods and you - part of my advisory team - happy."

"As you desire."

"As I command!"

"Yes, my lord. I will return for midday meal and accept your new command."

"Go, go. I will call for you when I'm ready."

"I will just close this door behind me."

"Alone with my thoughts once again. Hmm... what is an earthquake? It is a movement of dirt and rock. And what is a movement of dirt and rock but a larger version of our rock cutting and road laying? Thus, it is reorganisation. The gods are reorganising this planet for their purposes. Therefore, like the ants who rebuild their homes in another area after we've paved roads from one city to the next, we must rebuild our homes in another area after the gods have shaken apart our fortresses and temples. How do I convince the people to move to an area less prone to earthquakes? I send the virgins on a quest. But which virgins? Dilemma, dilemma... I don't need just the prettiest. I don't need the daughters of families too big to support themselves. I want young women fit to explore new territory, think on their feet in uncharted waters, fight indigenous populations to create areas for settlement. Where do I find such women? City life has softened my most battle-hardened soldiers. I can't imagine what it's done to the female children of my soldiers and their civilised wives.

"Let me turn to my private altar and light incense to my gods. Here is scent of vanilla for you, Green Frog, bringer of rain and facial warts if we rub you too much for good luck. Here is the burning evergreen branch for you, Bleached Coral, protector of fish and sharp reminder that the ocean floor is not all soft sand. Here is the crushed wormwood for you, Dark Cloud, storehouse for lightning and tornadoes, favorite tools of the greater gods.

"What would you have me do? You have brought me here to this palace, made me head of the biggest empire the world has ever known. What do you want me to do for you? What will make everyone happy, or at least temporarily distracted from their daily woes so that it appears I have saved them from themselves one more time?

"Green Frog, why do you never smile? Why do you sit there and judge me with that blank stare? Bleached Coral, why do your branches hold ground even in the strongest wind? Dark Cloud, why do you come and and go as you please, never here when we need you? What do all of you combined try to tell me, especially when I do not listen?

"The incense. Your answers. I am beginning to see the light. A contest. The gods want the virgins to compete against one another. Of course, it makes sense. But what sort of contest? I am clearing my thoughts to see what you are trying to tell me. The... contest... will... be... a written test? Hmm...I don't know about that. We have not taught virgins how to read. We only raise them to be sacrifices, a duty which requires no formal training, only staying indoors out of the light of the blistering sun and learning to dress nicely and smile.

"Oh, I see what you're saying. The contest includes the training of the virgins. In fact, it includes all unmarried women and... and any men not inclined to fight first and ask educated questions later. You want to pit the best and brightest against one another! Why didn't I think of that? It will focus the whole empire on itself! We are going to create a new class of citizens.

"No more human sacrifices. Now we will require the people to give up their children for the duty of the expansion of the empire. We will classify our children according to learning ability. We will sequester the best and brightest for purposes only the gods know. Right now, you gods want them to figure out where to move the empire to a place more pleasing to you. I love you, my gods. You have given the people a new quest, a new purpose, something that will keep them occupied for years and years while they prepare their children to be the most pleasing to the gods. By creating this new class of educated people, you have helped me figure out how to ration the limited building resources we have right now during this natural disaster you caused. How much cheaper it will be to make reading materials instead of building new temples! How much easier it will be to house the children together in one place instead of importing slaves to watch over the children spread out among individual homes while their parents play the game of civilisation!

"Guard, call forth my chief advisor! I am ready to pronounce my next edict!"

"As you command, ma'am."

"That's Madame Emperor to you, specially-trained palace guard that you are."

"Yes, Madame Emperor, ma'am."