On Account of Ledgers

"Everyone in my family is divorced. Even all cousins are divorced."

"Excuse me, y'all. It's been a slow day. I'm going to mop up the whole floor, if you don't mind."

"Not at all."

"You were saying..."

"Oh yeah, so you can imagine that marriage ain't that special to me."

"Uh-huh. And your point being..."

"My point?"

"Yeah. This is our first date. Do you think we're going to get married tonight or something?"

"He-he. No, of course not, silly. I'm just saying that that look in your eyes is pointing to something my momma said is supposed to wait until after you first get married."

"I see. Well, what do you want to eat? The Waffle House menu looks mighty good this evening."

"Sorry to bother you again, folks. Do you mind if I sweep under your feet? I don't want any dirt to get on the freshly mopped floor."

"What? Oh no, go ahead."

"So, what do you do again?"

"I'm in engineering."

"You're an engineer!"

"Uh...sorta."

"That's awesome. I ain't never dated an engineer before. What kinda stuff do you do?"

"Well, I'm a sales engineer. I make sure our customers are aware of the products we offer, in case their next design project requires the parts our company makes."

"That is amazing. I bet you're really smart."

"Well, I know almost all of our sales brochures by heart. I can usually figure out from what a customer is describing to me the kind of parts they're looking for."

"I bet you make a lot of money."

"Some months, I do."

"You ever go on any fancy vacations?"

"Fancy?"

"Yeah, like Gatlinburg or Myrtle Beach or the Grand Ol' Opry and the Opryland Hotel. I hear tell they decorate that hotel mighty purty at Christmas."

"Yeah, I've been to all of them."

"You must be rich!"

"If you say so. Let's see, according to your profile on iwannagethitchedtoya.com, you're 22 years old. Are you out of..."

"Umm...that ain't rightly the truth. Actually, I'm 27."

"Oh, well, that's interesting. So you're still in school?"

"School? Don't be silly. I got my high school diploma when I was 18. I've been out of school a long time now."

"That makes sense."

"You ever been married?"

"Me?"

"Yes, darling. You. Who else you think I'm talking to?"

"No, I haven't."

"And you're 30 years old! That makes you an old maid or something."

"Well, I'm not 30."

"You're not?"

"No, I'm 37."

"And you still ain't been married?"

"Uh-huh."

"You ain't a momma's boy, are you? My pa hates that. He thinks if you really love your momma that you'll bring a purty girl home to raise babies with."

"Excuse me again. I'm almost finished mopping. I just overheard you say something about a momma's boy."

"That's right."

"What exactly is a momma's boy? I mean, what do you call a momma's boy? You don't think I'm a momma's boy, do you?"

"No, honey, I can tell you're just a regular homosexual. Don't matter whether you swing one way or t'other. Only matters if you's still living with your momma. You working here and still living with your momma?"

"No, I'm not. I have my own place, thank you very much."

"Then you ain't a momma's boy."

"Well, thanks for settling the matter. You all about ready to order?"

"Sure thing, honey. I'll take the manager's special."

"Same for me."

"Got it. Martha, they'll have the manager's special!"

"COMING RIGHT UP!"

"We'll have your food ready in a jiffy. See you in a few minutes."

"So, where were we?"

"You were letting the restaurant know what a momma's boy is."

"Oh yeah. You still living at home?"

"No, I have a condo."

"Darling, you're embarrassing me. You don't have to tell me you're wearing a condo, unlessin' you're ready to get hitched."

"No, not a condom. A condominium. Like an apartment, only I own it."

"You own your own apartment place? You ARE rich!"

"I'm glad you think so. So, tell me, according to your profile, you're also in sales."

"That's right."

"How long have you been in sales? Since high school?"

"No, long before that. I started helping my momma and all my stepdaddies in sales since I was little."

"Is that so?"

"Oh yeah. They say I'm real good at it, too."

"Interesting. So what do you do?"

"Well, it's changed from time to time. When I first started, I made floral arrangements with silk flowers that we sold at the flea market. Everybody's always liked them arrangements I've made, using gnarled wood knots and old tin cans and other stuff I mixed in with them flowers. Some folks'd have me make their funereal coffin arrangements out of their loved ones' stuff - shotguns, collectible race cars, teddy bears, baby clothes, military buttons and ribbons...I reckon I've seen it all."

"I guess I've never seen it."

"Well, you probably haven't. A few years ago, my last stepdaddy set me up a computer. He got me one of them ebay stores of my own, too. I've been selling my arrangements through the mail ever since then. Ain't much local work anymore."

"I see. So you make a few thousand a year doing that, I bet."

"A month?"

"No, I said a year."

"Honey, what are you saying?"

"I'm not saying anything. I'm just guessing what your yearly sales would be."

"Two thousand a year?"

"I don't know. Maybe three or four. You make more than that?"

"I make about five thousand a week."

"What?!"

"Well, that's about average. I make more around the holidays, of course. I'm so busy all year 'round that I ain't got time to do any regular dating. That's why I posted my profile on the computer."

"You're telling me you make over $250,000 a year?"

"Well, that's what my business takes in. Of course, I've got to pay all the folks who make the arrangements for me. And then there's the ebay store I've gotta pay for, government taxes and all those details my accountants handle."

"Accountants?"

"Yeah, I worked out a deal to buy the silk flower manufacturing plant, to cut my costs down...you know how it is, being in the sales engineer business...so I had to create my own accounting firm to handle all the details. The partners at the accounting firm drum up their own business and I get a cut of their accounting profits. It's complicated but it keeps me busy."

"And you did all this in two years?"

"Oh, no! I've had the businesses going for a while. Mail order catalogs. Door-to-door sales. Business cards at funereal homes, flea markets, beauty shops, drug stores, hospitals, clinics. Places like that. I'm sorry that $250,000 doesn't impress you. I bet you make a ton more than me, don't you?"

"I wouldn't put it that way."

"Well, you're modest. I like that in a man."

"Okay, folks, here's your specials. You want I should freshen up your drinks?"

"Sweetie, that'd be wonderful. I bet you have a boyfriend, don't you?"

"Uh, yes."

"You ever buy him flowers?"

"No, he usually buys flowers for me."

"Well, I tell you what. I'll make you up a special bouquet just for your loved one. Something that'd appeal just to him, know what I mean? Here's my business card. You give me a call sometime and we'll talk, just you and me."

"Thanks."

"Call me any time of the day or night. I want your boyfriend to have a little extra special gift that'll make him feel you think about him all the time."

"Well, I..."

"Don't be bashful. Give me a call."

"Sure thing. I'll check back with you all in a few."

"I'm sorry, honey. Where were we?"

"I don't know. I guess your business empire."

"Oh, that's nothing. You're the one I'm interested in. I mean, here we are, two people in sales, you an engineer and me this little ol' girl selling flowers by the roadside. I think that dating service is the bee's knees, don't you?"

"I guess so. You want my butter?"

"Thank you, darling. No. You want my mixed fruit jelly?"

"Sure."

"Are you really wearing a condo just for me?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, I'm just joking with you. I knew what you meant. You ever thought about going into flower arrangement sales? You could make a little extra money on the side while you're doing your sales engineer thing. Maybe you could engineer something special into my arrangements. I was thinking about one of them Bose music players and an iPod mini video projector. Or maybe one of them new 3D systems. Wouldn't you want to sit at a funereal service and see your loved one in 3D right there in front of you like they ain't died yet? I know folks sure like to feel comforted at a time like that, hearing their family members again."

"I suppose I could check with the design engineers back at the office and..."

"Oh, don't worry about that right now, darling. You just eat. We've got plenty of time to get to know each other. 'Ceptin odds are against us being married for too long. The women in our family are too strong to be tied down to the same man for very long. Suppose it's a blessing and a curse. You ever hear tell of prenuptials? My lawyers says that I've got to have those afore I get hitched. Is it like a shot or something? I ain't got no diseases that I know of."

"You sure are set on getting married, aren't you?"

"Honey, I get what I want and I want you. Always have, always will. You're my type - older, smart, rich. You'll get along just fine with me, I can already tell. We can set the wedding date after we eat and then get down to business. You think we should live in your place, my place or get a new place of our own? I hear tell there's a lot of cheap real estate available right now."