Calculating my net worth

[A reminder to those who read this blog or see it as notes/posts in other software apps like facebook or plaxo: the majority of these blog entries call themselves fiction. Thus, if an entry discusses subjects that you find incredible, it is and they are. This entry and the last one, however, are not.]

Well, well, well*...what have we here? A bit of the old ultraviolence, I see. What say you about this economic tailspin? Like an airplane augering in, eh? Don't think we're going to gently land in the Hudson River this time so say your prayers while you can. No truancy officer's here to help you get back into school, so forget about the appy-polly-loggy.

[* ode to Anthony Burgess, Stanley Kubrick and "A Clockwork Orange"]

Millions of people out of work. Think the governments of the world are a bit worried? After all, nothing like restless youth with nothing to do listening to unemployed adults with plenty on their minds.

Speaking of which, my wife and I found ourselves meandering the miles of aisles in a big box store down the street from our humble abode, aimlessly looking for a handheld, single use, multifunction computer. In other words, a calculadora cientifica / calculatrice scientifique, hecho en China / fabrique en China (or scientific calculator made in China, if you must insist on English as your only language, "with instruction sheet included," no less!).

The digital display on this inexpensive calculator goes out to 10 digits. That's nine billion and change, to those keeping count.

Believe it or not, I minored in math in college, taking such doozies as calculus, linear algebra, differential equations, and other classes I can no longer remember, kind of like my memory of math in general. For instance, my wife pointed out to me that the two buttons on this calculator, "log" and "ln," do not stand for logging into a computer and line items but logarithm and natural log. Did I tell you my wife is smarter than me? Well, if I haven't, she is. I accept this as fact and despite my propensity for arguing fine points with her at the drop of a hat, she has more scientific data, information and knowledge in her head than I have.

Fact is, I depend on her. She is part and parcel of my net worth. Unlike the stocks, mutual funds and other goodies whose values I can look up in the wavering, teetering and tottering market in steroid detox right now - and then sum up on this pocket computer - my wife's value to me is uncalculable.

Commas, periods, and other punctuation marks have zero value in the relationship between my wife and me. I use the term "my wife" only because of the convenient understanding that you, the reader, have for the general meaning of the phrase. She is more than my wife. She is - that's the most important fact. I am alive because "she is." No money, no fancy vacations or any other objective evidence enhances our relationship (although, they make the moments varied and fun, of course).

Everything I do, everything I say and everything I see comes to life through the eyes, ears and mouth of a person who gladly calls himself the husband of a woman he has known since he was a rising seventh grader in secondary school.

We are who we are because of each other.

That's why I don't see an economy that's taking away people's retirement, putting people who were recently comfortable financially into positions where they need jobs but there are no positions to be had. This game of musical chairs leaves a lot of people standing up. Whether I'm standing up or sitting down, I have my wife.

At the end of the day, when all around us is chaos, I have my wife's hand to hold, and there is no gold or magic elixir that can replace the simple touch of my wife.

Over the next few months and years, people all over this world will fight and scratch to get their hands on whatever they need to put food on their family's table. Desperate times and desperate measures, as they say. I suggest you put aside emotions that will rise and fall according to the signs of the time, ignoring those doomers, gloomers, instant-fixers and experts who are screaming at you from their soapboxes because they want your attention in order for them to make money off you and thus put food on their tables at your emotional expense.

Be smart. Become a student of human history. Realize that bad times and bad people have been around and will always be around. But that doesn't make you bad (unless you want to be; if so, that's a road you've got to take alone, without the likes of me). You are you, miraculous in your uniqueness.

If you find yourself on the downside, reach out to someone special to you. Hold that person's hand or give each other a hug. There is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing at all, not even close, that compares to basic human-to-human contact when you think you're at the end of your financial patience.

So if you think you're in financial straits, scream and holler for help. There is someone out there who wants to help you. Even better, there is someone out there who needs your help. Like my wife and me, for instance. We need you. We don't care if you know a logarithm from a biorhythm. Hey, if I can admit I minored in math and don't even remember the buttons on a scientific calculator, then you can admit you need another human being. It's not hard. In fact, it's simple. And yes, life is grand because of you. I can see that smile of yours in the mirror.

Keep smiling - it's the one asset in this economy that doesn't lose its value!