What Are You Peddling?

[Some of you pedal bikes. That's not what I'm here to talk to you about. You bikers go pedaling somewhere else.]

An associate of mine, who claims he's descended from one of the original Black Irish families (whatever that means), told me he can't believe my record is clean. Well, in Ireland, maybe they don't have this thing called the Witness Protection Program.

You see, back when I was peddling dope, I met a lot of interesting characters. While I was pretending to be attending school, my pals and I was finding out which ones of them so-called studious types was also the addictive type, too. You probably aren't surprised to learn how many type-A personalities get their kicks from more than champagne.

I've always been the studious type, myself. I get it from my pops, who taught me to find out what makes people tick. Now, my father, he used this trick to get ahead in the legit business world. Me, seeing how I'd already been made, I used his trick to ply my own trade. Plow my own field, so to speak (even if them fields was in Columbia, Mexico and Afghanistan).

This ain't some deep-dark secret that you gotta keep to yourself because you swore a blood oath to your peers. Naw, this trick is easy. Anyone can do it. I'll show you how.

Walk up to a stranger from behind, put one hand on an elbow and the other hand on the person's opposite shoulder. Hold a strong grip but don't squeeze too tight. Speak softly and say, "Hey, haven't seen you in a while. How you doing?"

That's it. All you'll ever find out about that person comes in the next 10 seconds.

The first second, that person'll either ease into your grip or pull away. No problem - natural human reaction. Ain't nothing the matter with either response there.

The second second, that person'll either turn toward you or keep facing away. Now pay attention here 'cause this is where you make or break that person. Say the person turns his or her head toward you. [If they don't face you, don't worry about. Just use your grip to gently turn the person toward you.] Maintain eye contact without blinking! That's the most important thing. You ain't gotta worry about what your face shows so if you've got a natural smile or a natural scowl, stick with it. Don't show false emotions.

The third second, that person'll feel like saying something. Be sure to let that person finish the first word that comes out of their mouth but not the second word. Strengthen your grip ever so slightly and say, "Hey, maybe this is an inconvenient time for both of us."

The fifth second, wait for the person's response. No matter what s/he says, nod your head and say, "I see."

The seventh second, let go of the person's shoulder and pat the person on the back. Say, "I remember you from the other day but I can tell you don't remember me. My name's [fill in the blank - first name only]. I'm a little busy right now so what do you say we meet again soon?"

The tenth second, let go of the person completely, no what matter what s/he says, and walk away, nodding your head, and say, "Gotta go. I'll catch up with you later."


Easy, ain't it? And that's how you make friends for life 'cause a person who doesn't remember the first fictitious time you met sure as hell's going to remember this second time. And they're going to want to be sure to be your friend, too. I've got a lot of friends like that and they watch my back for me, no matter what I've done.

That's also how I learned to figure out when someone has the goods on you, if you know what I mean. Say you bump into one of your friends again. Look him or her in the eye and ask, "So who've you been talking to about me since the last time we met?" Smell the air as they talk, watch their littlest body movements and keep your eyes focused on their eyes. Remember if s/he was the kind of person who leaned into you or tensed up the first time you met - they're still going to have the same kind of personality, most likely, so you can ignore the body signs that go with their personality. What you're looking for is something more subtle. Yeah, I know some of you is as subtle as a bull in a china shop but you'll get used to this after a while.

Once you get this habit down, you'll be able to detect the emission of fresh body odors. Eventually, you'll even be able to smell fear. Yeah, that's right. Fear. People may be able to hide their fear behind a blank face but they almost always tell you what they're thinking with the rest of their body. Of course, the soft ones'll give away their secrets on their face like a hot air balloon at a porcupine convention - facial twitches, fake looks, blinking too much, talking too much or too little and that sort of stuff that I think any of you can figure out.

That's how I figured out I was in trouble and decided to clean myself up.

Former associates of mine used to warn me to look out for narks. You know, those who are on retainer by professional security forces like the police or military. But I never worried about no narks. I've got the face of an angel with an attitude that'll melt all but the hardest hearts. No, it was them mamby-pamby losers who I worried about. Some guy who was always getting in trouble with his parents for stupid things like staying out too late or being inconsistent with his school grades, someone who didn't know how to treat his parents with the respect they deserved for bringing you up in this world. Guys like that are dangerous 'cause they're always one step away from painting themselves into a corner (gals are like that, too, but in a different way).

You ever cornered an armadillo? I have. They're fun to play with, even here in north Alabama. They don't always curl up into a ball. Sometimes they fight back. It's them I like to play with, just like them guys I was talking about. I don't worry about the ones that curl up into a ball once they've been cornered. It's the ones who fight back you gotta be careful of. They think they got some sort of ace in the hole by being able to report your activities to the authorities. Only thing is, who's the authorities? Why, half my buddies from the old gang work in the police department. Most of the parole officers are dealing drugs on the side. You think any one of them is wanting to get on my bad side?

Well, I've got enemies. It's the downside to a life in business, no matter what business you're in. And this one fellow I cornered was smarter than I thought. I could see it in his eyes and smell it on him a mile away. He didn't bother turning me in to the cops. No, he went to one of my competitors and offered to give them a list of my clients in return for his protection. Of course, he's an idiot to think anyone's going to protect a nark (guess that's why he ain't around no more, huh?). But the fact is that my competitor made my life a mess. He turned some of my customers against me, including one who was an informant for the FBI.

That's why I'm in the Witness Protection Program now. I've got this sweet little life in the suburbs, like any one of them bad movies with ho-hum actors (Steve Martin being a prime example), after I turned over my competitor's list of clients. I think of it as my retirement plan. Plus, I've still got all my friends who want to take care of me and my old business.

That's why I ain't no mob boss. There ain't no mob, like they want you to believe in the movies and books and such. No, it's a loose association. It's just people like me and my network of friends. Just like any business, no matter whether you're peddling soap, dope, dishwashers, software or medical care. You take my 10-second lesson to heart and soon you'll be able to smell fear and run a business, too. The successful ones will be able to smell fear within the first second. And keep in mind, humans are simple. If you ain't one of them successful ones, then you belong to one of their networks. Life's that simple. Ain't it grand?