Underground Cable - Do Not Dig!

Peanuts, pecans, soda crackers, cauliflower and broccoli make their way through my system so I apologize if my writing has the scent of vegetables and nuts. I did brush my teeth and wash my hands before sitting down in front of the computer.

I took a walk under high voltage lines again today, heading east up and over a small hill until I landed on the sidewalk that leads past my subdivision (housing estate). I made the mistake of walking past my subdivision and down the busy five-lane road. Chemical lawn treatment, mown grass, chlorinated pools and burning trash assaulted my olfactory nerve. Mothers pushing baby carriages (perambulators or prams) told me I was out of place (and out of my mind, too, for that matter). If they're the reason I'm teaching students/ customers, then I must stop. An education factory job is not for me. Let someone else teach/ brainwash people to seek the American suburban dream. Just the thought of 500 houses, with 500 lawnmowers and 1000 parents with 2500 kids and everything else that piles up in that thought is making me ill at ease. Makes me want to put on some ol' Rage Against The Machine and go jogging until my lungs and legs are on fire like I used to before I wore out my hips, knees and ankles.

As I decide how to get out of this teaching gig, I also wonder if I should shut down this blog. I think I've run out of anything meaningful to say to others. My observations can continue offline, if I even have any left to make.

I've concluded I'm tired of living out everyone else's dreams. They don't need me to reach their goals, despite my last desperate attempt to believe so. There's more to people than smiles. I know I can influence people in a positive way, but what's the point if it's only enabling them to get things I don't believe in?

Surely there's some place I can go where my impact is minimal and government obligations are few, where I don't have to worry about overhead power lines and underground cables. I'm not asking for a utopia. I'll gladly let the world go on without me.

You see, I believe that an animal should grow and die naturally. As the animal ages, it loses its ability to fight off disease, thus its energy level falls below that of other beings whose higher energy allows them to feed directly off the dying animal or eat its resources. In my mind, a human, after age 45, has lived its full life and is ready to die. It could have produced 3 or 4 offspring by the age of 15 (with assistance from its parents and grandparents), nourished the offspring to produce their own offspring (with assistance from its parents) and be ready to die so that its grandchildren can feed off the resources that the original human used. And so on. The idea that worker bees have to keep producing in society until age 65 or 70 is brainwashing, in my book, using crowd mentality to produce a false sense of what is normal.*

[*"Normality is a statistical mean to which none of us wholly belongs." - John Weightman in The New York Review of Books (Vol. 31, No. 17)]

I am about to reach my 47th year on this planet. I have enjoyed two years of retirement, which is all I ever wanted. My body could probably go on living another 45 or 50 years, if I wanted to feed off the crops of pharmaceutical companies. But I don't.

I guess I have to admit it. I am tired of living, period. All the rest of humankind can have this planet and my share of it. They need it and want it more than I do, anyway. That's obvious from the former cotton and soybean fields I see being turned into crops of houses in the dozens of subdivisions popping up around me. Blind ambition. I'm not the one to enlighten them and give them sight.

Time to sit down with my wife and have a serious talk about the future. I don't even know if I'm part of her dreams anymore and vice versa. She wants to travel and see the world. I've seen enough to last me a lifetime. Maybe I've seen the sign for me to move on. Perhaps it's finally time to find a waterfall to crawl in behind and let my biomechanical body rust into oblivion. That's why I've warned you not to follow my example. I know where my road leads. You need to find your own row to hoe. Here, you can have my Rake.

NOTE: This is my last blog entry for a while. The world is full of enough realism/negativity as it is. Trying to keep sorting out my thoughts online is going to get rather messy and disorganized. I'm tired of trying to be snappy and cool while figuring out my future. I'm not an exhibitionist. I've left a lot of my thoughts unsaid, whether they were just plain boring or even insightful. Enjoy your life. Have kids. Take care of your family. [Do as I say, not as I do. hehe]