Chapter 46.838 [For Adults Only]

I hesitated adding "for mature audiences only," because of the sensitivity of today's blog entry. However, "mature" is subjective. Actually, "adult" is relatively subjective, too, kind of like military intelligence, but that's a whole other category.

In any case, I have also hesitated about discussing today's subject. [And a question to you word hounds, is a subject subjective by default? I can't remember.]

I know that many of you have experienced or will experience what I'm going to talk about. I assume this phenomenon is universal or almost so.

As I wrote an outline about today's topic (I only write outlines when the topic is as important as this one so you know I'm going to get down and dirty before too long), I contemplated the first time I heard someone else talk about this.

I probably was exposed to this delicate issue at a young age but didn't recognize what the adults in the room were saying. Sometimes, you've got to experience something for yourself before you fully comprehend a word you can easily figure out when adults S-P-E-L-L I-T O-U-T (adults forget how easy it is for children to assimilate their surroundings, including letter counting, sorting and assembling).

We adults crack jokes in front of children using code words, too. But kids these days, well, in fact, kids of any generation, know when adults are pretending kids are ignorant. Kids can read tone of voice, hand gestures, winking or other facial expressions and just about anything else they watch adults for in order to mimic their behavior.

But kids can't mimic this behavior. Sure, once they reach puberty, they begin to understand some of the problems but still haven't fully grasped the annoyance of the situation.

I don't know why I can't just step up on this virtual podium, lean into the microphone and start an open dialogue about this. It's not that it's particularly embarrassing. People live with this condition most of their adulthood and lead healthy lives. Many of us go throughout the day without noticing how many others suffer this condition.

Strange, isn't it? I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about. You look in the mirror or examine your body and sure enough, there it is again.

You know, I'm making more of a big deal out of this than I should or than it deserves. However, the longer I suffer from this condition, the worse it seems to get.

Okay, enough, already. I could wander the word trails for paragraphs, leading you down the forest path until we'd all suffer this condition, age getting the better of our bodies.

Here it is. Hair. Hair where you don't want it, or never heard anyone warn you about. I'm talking about the forest growing up your nose or out of your ears. Okay, yes, this is our bodies' natural defense mechanism for old age - keeping the earwigs and nasal gnats from crawling into ever-widening orifices...that's another thing - this issue of cartilage stretching with age - ears getting large and noses growing longer, making room for more hair!

This isn't what you expected, right? Well, too bad. I didn't, either. In my morning and evening grooming routines (you don't see it but I'm down on my knees praying and lighting candles for the ancestor who invented the mirror), I used to have a few short tasks to complete, including teeth brushing (two minutes each for top and bottom set, kids!), hair brushing (the stuff on top of my head, not the stuff in my ears and nose), and shaving. The cost of the items to handle these tasks are cheap, too. Now? Whew! It takes hedge trimmers to complete the one extra task on my list!

I know most of you adults, or many of you...okay, well, a few of you, anyway...you sympathize with my plight.

Say you've gone to a meeting where someone is staring not at your face but off to one side for the whole meeting. Then, after the meeting's over, the person pulls you aside and says, "Hey, did you know you have a hair growing off the side of your ear?" You hear snickering and then realize everyone in the room had been texting each other about the vine growing out of your head.

I, for one, don't miss the opportunity to point these out.

For instance, I went to Hooters restaurant back in 2002 with some co-workers (and those who are more offended by that statement than this topic, keep in mind that my wife and I both have eaten at Hooters, without my having to drag my wife there - she used to work across the street from the original Hooters in Florida and walked to the restaurant for lunch, seeing the restaurant for what it was, a beach eatery, as opposed to what it has become, a symbol for sexism where women exploit the use of large breasts to extract big tips from us testosterone-driven primates out of proportion to the average meal and extra-talkative service we receive). I sat across the table from a guy who had a hair growing out of the middle of his forehead. When he was in the middle of a good flirt with the waitress, I loudly pointed out the hair. I don't think he ever ate out with me again.

Have I talked about this before? Most likely. But's it's bothering me today.

This morning, I woke up, stumbled into the bathroom and found a family of hummingbirds nesting in my ear. And all this time I thought I had tinnitus. Instead, it's the tiny hum of beating wings. At least I solved one problem. Now I've got to figure out how to get these little guys out of the way so I can hear what people are saying, as well as keep folks from laughing at the aviary hanging off of my head.

Forget about Rogaine. If someone could figure out how to harvest the stuff growing out of our ears and noses, they'd have a gold mine of hair transplant possibilities and make a mint during this economic downturn. Just don't tell the recipients where the hair came from!