The Definition of Happiness

What is happiness? I've probably thought about and written about the subject of happiness many times, without specifically mentioning the word "happiness." Right now, I am happy so I'll talk about it some more.

But first, what is your definition of success? Some say that you (that is, every person on this planet) feel successful when others recognize you because of something important you did for them.

Okay, then what is important?

The search spirals further inward, cutting off the layers of a flower bulb - an allium or crinum lily (or the proverbial onion) - with a paring knife and silk gloves.

Tonight, my wife and I attended an annual event called An Irish Evening that benefits the local chapter of United Cerebral Palsy. My wife had wanted to attend the event in years past but never convinced me to go. This year, we found out that the chair of the event, Cheryl, is friends with the wife of a friend of mine, Gary, who we planned to meet for dinner tonight until Gary realized that the UCP event occurred on the same evening. So, I ordered two dinner seats for my wife and me at $75 per person (you could also pay for a whole table, if you wanted).

What is important? Well, I requested that we sit at the same table as Gary and his wife, Dawn. Well, Gary and Dawn had requested to sit at the table with their friend, Cheryl, since Dawn and Cheryl are former college mates and Dawn served as the "best man" at Cheryl's wedding.

My wife and I showed up and were assigned to table 40. Table number 40...hmm...didn't sound very important to me. Aren't most VIP tables usually labeled number 1, VIP, etc.? Apparently not.

What is success? Who here is successful and what gives you the feeling you've achieved success? Is it retiring from your lifelong career? Is it reaching a certain job position? Is it sitting at the top of your social pyramid? I don't know what you call success. I see success as situational. Who has the most air of mystery in the room, for instance.

Like tonight. My wife and I ended up sitting with two brothers, Roger and Peter. Peter had come to town from Albuquerque, New Mexico, to visit his brother. Peter retired in the late 1980s and has been working for a long time as a lawyer for a non-profit organization. Roger called himself a reformed engineer and seems to have a new profession as a person who appears in court at least once a week (expert witness?). We found out from Roger that Cheryl's husband, Jim, is a local judge and had expected to spend the evening chatting with Roger until he found out that Roger had brought his brother along. We enjoyed conversing with Roger and Jim. Just four people with something interesting to talk about. Nothing particularly special.

Oh, I forgot an important detail. Earlier in the evening, a photographer from a local vanity magazine grabbed me to take my photo in front of a large matte photo of an Irish pub, with a photo assistant adjusting my outfit for full effect (I was wearing a tall hat in the shape of a pint of Guinness, a Celtic patterned tie, green linen shirt and a light sport coat, as well as green Mardi Gras beads, and a button or two). Several people overheard the conversation between me and the photography crew about my having purchased the hat while on business in Dublin, when my wife and I watched the St. Patrick's Day parade from the sidewalk on O'Connell Bridge.

The mystery was set. Not only were my wife and me strangers to most of the local "it" crowd but we were also world travelers. Many a lawyer's wife stopped by to tell us that they'd give their eyetooth to go to Ireland, if only...

If only what? Aren't they successful? Don't they live at envious street addresses? Aren't some of their kids off attending private school?

Envy and happiness are not mutually exclusive, I know. But how well can they coexist?

Roger and Peter were not particularly impressed by our travels to Ireland for they are world travelers, too, both in their present lives and in the recent generational past, their grandparents having hailed from the Swiss-German border. But then again, Roger and Peter sat at the same table as us. The same table where Gary and Dawn and Cheryl and her husband were to sit.

Dawn was sick so Gary and Dawn could not join us. According to Cheryl, her husband felt tired and decided not to show up (he's a local judge and had handed down a sentence earlier today to a member of a locally well-placed family (the person's named ended in "IV," being the fourth generation male with the same name), and figured that he'd hear the opinions of other locally well-placed families who attended tonight's event so I can see why he felt too tired to attend). Cheryl ended up walking among the tables until later in the evening, when she finally stopped to get a bite to eat and sat with my wife and me for a while.

What is happiness? Tonight, I am happy because I enjoyed seeing the looks of people who could not figure out where my wife and I fit into the local Huntsville hierarchy. Some of them looked at us with envy. Some of them looked at us with jealousy. Some of them, of course, didn't care who we were but stopped by to talk to us anyway, being the naturally sociable people they were.

The reason I got out of bed to write this blog entry was to set all this up so I could mention the following. At the end of the evening, the grand prize was awarded, a special set of jewelry, based on a number engraved on the side of a plastic ring sold for $10 a piece - several dozen rings had been sold for a chance to win the grand prize. After the grand prize was awarded, the MC announced another prize chosen by random name drawing from those present. My wife's name was called out.

My wife and I laughed at the irony. We always make fun of prize awards at events like that because they're inevitably rigged so that at least one or two prizes are given to VIPs at the event. So there was my wife sitting at what we didn't know was the VIP table and she got the last prize for the evening. The looks of anger I saw from the wives of rising young hot attorneys at the next table over made the evening enjoyable to me because here my wife and I are near the bottom of the local social hierarchy yet because of our mysterious arbitrary appearance at the VIP table and the random awarding of the final prize, others shot us the same look we often show when we think a prize is rigged to go to special guests.

Us, special? Hahaha.

But then again, maybe we are. Maybe my wife and I, because we don't play the social status game and take everyone at face value, are special because of the way we treat people.

And that, my friends (like you, Lynda, who asked for this a few weeks ago), is the definition of happiness. The freedom to step into a room and be who you are, or whomever you want to be, with no preconceived notions of who you are clouding people's treatment of you, and no tired "I gotta appear at another public event" motivation forcing you to show up.

Bottom line, we simply had fun.

And the prize that my wife won? A set of two tickets for a riverboat cruise, an $88 value, at Bellingrath Gardens in southern Alabama, about a six-hour drive away from here (in other words, $60 in gas plus lodging equals more than the prize). I'm sure you're envious. If those dark-suited guys and their sharply-dressed wives only knew!

Of course, a prize is a form of social recognition, a definition of situational success (and thus temporary happiness) but shouldn't the value of the prize also have some relation to the feeling you get? Not according to scientific studies. Next time you feel envious of someone or jealous of what they've got, keep in mind that appearances are deceiving and not all contests are rigged. It might even make you feel happy.