Needle in a Haystack

Wow! What a set of responses from my readers! I almost don't know what to say. When I put out a call for a woman, I wasn't actually expecting overwhelming offers from people who know me by electronic scribbles only (and to those guys who prefer the transsexual lifestyle, I appreciate you wanting to teach me what you think a "REAL" woman is but I'm not interested at this time - should my future selves move in that direction, I'll keep your contact information, but don't sit around waiting for my call; and please, don't take it personally - I'm not rejecting you - it's just that I don't want you to miss your ideal companions who are out there waiting for you).

I'm still flabbergasted. But more importantly, I think I've finally proven to the Russian, Indian and Chinese programmers I have on retainer that the brainwave scanner they built me actually works. I'm not an expert out standing in the field, but from what I understand this scanner constantly measures my alpha, mu, beta, delta, and other brainwave activity, which my team used to slowly construct a simulated model of my thoughts in a virtual bank of computer servers that "mirror" my existence in several secure locations around the globe (they call them RAID servers but the term RAID reminds me of pesticide ads from my youth; I wish they'd develop another acronym). In addition, they added a mux (a multiplexer, this little box that takes all the separate brainwave signals and combines them into an encrypted high-frequency signal that can be sent to any wireless network, but the favorite one they like to use sends part of the signal through the Internet (which they told me they further split across the 802.11 and UWB frequencies, whatever that means) and part of the signal through satellite communications).

I told the programmers (and also some inexpensive, out-of-work scientists (there are plenty of those available right now, if you're interested in pursuing pure scientific research)) that if we were able to replicate one human's thoughts, and figure out when the thoughts trigger body signals, we could flood the world with hormones, brainwaves and such, getting a group of people to react to low-level body signals that they themselves don't "consciously" know are there. That way, we bypass the global media outlets altogether when we need to push a product, service or idea.

I apologize for inadvertently alerting so many people to my desires. I forget myself that I have this brain scanner on sometimes and wore it yesterday while typing. I guess I should tell the programmers to turn off the pheromone replicators until we're specifically running tests.

In any case, I've enjoyed reading a lot of your proposals. The only reason I like this planet is that the array of human experiences is always more vast than I can imagine. Just when I get bored with what I see and feel, along comes someone with an idea that moves my paradigm model into paradise. Some of you others wanted to share and share alike. I have to admit I'm only one person, and with a middle-aged body at that, so sharing will have to be limited.

To that one person, who I agreed to call out in this blog (yes, that means you, MB), I'll take your proposal first. What can I say? Hiking in the woods all day until we're too exhausted to take another step, setting down a blanket in a clearing, opening a bottle of wine, getting punch-drunk while staring up at the stars and getting bitten by mosquitoes at the same time is about as wonderful a moment as I can think of right now. You understood more than anyone else what I was looking for. I'm not looking for wild sex (although I'll take it when it's the right kind of wild). I'm looking for behaviours outside the walls of civilization.

I'm not a city boy. I grew up in the suburbs, where the woods were always literally a few steps away. I'm not interested in taking a group of young people in scouting/military uniform mode to march through the underbrush, looking for trees and animals to correctly identify or trash to pick up.

Just two days ago I saw a deflated latex balloon with a small strip of ribbon sitting on the ground in the middle of a trail. I didn't pick it up. Oh, to be sure, I heard the voices of my youth crying out, "Just look at that, will you?! Why, a turtle could swallow that and die. We need to organize a group to protest balloons." Organizing and protesting? Hey, if that's your thing, go for it. I'm in the positive promotion business, myself. I say figure out the alternative and offer it, instead of being such a downer. People like balloons so give them biodegradable balloons that look nice and hold their inflation well. You might make some money at it, too, and in the process put your hated latex producers out of business.

It's like I tell my buddies who worry that their gambling businesses are going to close. What's there to worry about?

People like to gamble. Politicians like to take calculated risks. Always work those two angles to your advantage by promoting the positive aspects of risk-taking. If it were up to me, I'd do away with the word "casino." "Amusement park" sounds too childlike but use something like that, instead. The Las Vegas folks are almost on the right track by offering kid-friendly venues. It's the dang ching-ching-ching that I hate.

That's why I'm much more profitable in online gambling. That's where the future is. Just gotta figure out how to convince the gamblers to wear my new line of brain scanners. Give it a just a little while longer for my marketing and packaging teams to sort out all the details. I told them that there are plenty of people who wear those silly Bluetooth headsets like some sort of badge of honor. Work that angle. Make the brain scanners something people just gotta wear, not geeky like the one they made for me. I ain't trying to form no Borg collective. I just want people's money for myself and my family. Any volunteers out there who'll wear a scanner for free? I'll give you a few thousand credits on your favorite gambling site and might even name a new game after you. I just need a few of your brain scans over some months to see what else we gotta do to tune the scent modules in the new line of netbooks we're developing. If you don't mind looking like a cyborg, I'll send you one right now.

Hey, what can I say? I'm a true religious adherent. I eat and breath "havekidstakecareofyourfamily." Only thing is, you ain't gonna find out where my real kids and family is. That's one secret I take to my grave. While the rest of you worry about global warming, I'm preparing for it, hoping that it'll happen. For those of you in the real estate business, Canada and Siberia are the next great thing. Don't miss out on the deals while they're still cheap. You can own an island and be your own king. You can tap your own oil keg and have natural gas for breakfast. No fresh water? Forget about it. You got enough free fuel to process seawater for generations and that's only after your personal melting glacier runs out.