Last night, while sittin' with friends at the ol' waterin' hole, quenchin' our thirst that looks for sexual objects but finds real people starin' back, I finally realized what an ol' drunkard like me has goin' for 'm.
Fuckin' nothin'. [Hiccup.]
Pardon me while I gulp down a few cups of hot tea. And who opened the blinds this early in the mornin' - it's barely 10:30. Damn cook. He thinks I like my hangovers? Mmm, but those blueberry muffins and egg casserole spell mighty good.
[Cough.] Where was I?
Is it me or is the laptop screen spinnin' more than usual? Oh well. I'll just type between the tossin' waves and try not to get sick.
Hmm. You see, my friends and I don't give a fuck about politics, nations, governments, taxes, fees, regulations, laws, rules, ethics, or anything else that interferes with our normal lives.
Hoo boy. My headache is pounding my temples today. Who put the sledgehammer in my head?
Give me a moment...ooooo-ooo-ooo-ooooo. I just just hear the melody of that song that gal was singin' next to me. What the hell was it?
Oh well. You know, maybe I should step away from this laptop and eat breakfast. [Stomach gurgling.] Then again, maybe not.
Let's see. I had an epiphany last night. When you get drunk with a physicist, a physician, a plumber and a dog like me, you're bound to figure something out, right? Maybe even something out right? Maybe something right? Wooph. If it weren't for this nuclear bomb of a headache.
Wait! I know what it is. I wrote some notes on a cocktail napkin. It's in my pants pocket. Okay, it's not this plastic-wrapped peppermint...not the pocket knife...not the coin purse...not the rubbing stone...not the lucky charm...not the condom...aah, here it is.
"Autism, Pepsi, Granddaddy Longlegs, and Spouse Swapping." What the hell?
And it was important, too, let me tell you. Okay, fuck it. I'm going to eat breakfast and be right back. You can wait on me, can't you?
.|3|.
.|2|.
\1/
I'm back. My stomach's full [burp!] and my head's only slightly swimming in the breeze, or something like that.
I think I've got it all solved. I'll start with the last item on the list and work my way to the front of the line.
Number 4: Spouse Swapping.
Democracy, in its purest form, is equality, n'est pas? One person, one vote. But like I said, me and my guy/gal pals don't like government crap. So what's the equivalent of democracy in society? Simple. One person, one fuck. Crude, you think? Well, yeah, maybe...but true. After all, you and I are here because one person fucked another person and vice versa. Therefore, extending equal rights to fuck means anyone should be able to fuck anyone else if both parties are willing. Thus, spouse swapping equates to pure democracy. Anything else and it's a restriction of a person's right to do what s/he wants to do with his/her body.
Number 3: Granddaddy Longlegs
You ever live in a house long enough to see the patterns of animal population swings? If you ain't never done it, then you're a sorry son of bitch, and I say that in the kindest way possible, insulting you, not your mother, who wasted nine long months to bear your sorry ass and then spent sleepless nights ruining her beautiful breasts so you could bite and suck on them for nourishment which only meant she later had to put up with and change your stinky, crapped up diapers. In other words, if you're a transient house-hopper, a mobile job shopper, a scourge that robs businesses of valuable revenue while you continue your breast-sucking ways begging for more salary, then you've missed out.
You see, I've lived in the same hovel for over 20 years now. In my observations and records of the living things growing up and dying around my abode, I've noticed the cyclical cycles, the undulating waves of population changes. Some years, I completely miss the overabundance of one species because something prevents its appearance but give it a few years and POW! there they are again. This year, granddaddy longlegs are all over the place. Some of them are brown. Some of them are gray. Some of them have white dots on all their joints, looking like living snowflakes.
Number 2: Pepsi
In the midst of all the information that blogs, news reports and movies are making about not drinking bottled water because of a) bisphenol A is poison, b) plastic bottles take eons to decompose, c) tap water is just as good or better than bottled water, and d) once again you're sucking on a virtual tit, one of my drinking buddies pointed out an interesting fact none of us knew about. In order to capture this new wave of change, soda pop companies are buying up water treatment companies and private water treatment plants. Pretty soon, you'll get the option to have your tap water still or sparkling, with addons at the faucet for flavoring. I can't wait to shower under the scent of melons, can you?
And last but not least, or first and best, Number 1: Autism
You know me. I'm no mad scientist or corporate baron. I'm just this guy who walks around accumulating a lot of facts and then weaves them into flying carpets, taking off on flights of fantasy. However, I do like to stay in touch with those for whom smart is an insult and genius is a slight. So it was last night while we were tossing back shots of whatever the barman hadn't run out of that I discovered a fact that I had imagined but never thought I'd see in my lifetime.
Did you know that humans have evolved in the last 20 or 30 years? I mean not just little things like inbreeding among blue bloods but actual changes meant to improve our species' survival? Turns out that what we call autism is actually our species moving on to the next phase.
I'll explain the best I can, the clutter of alcohol messing with my rational reasoning this sunny Saturday morn.
You familiar with mirror neurons? I'm not. From what my gal pal said last night, many species have these brain structures called mirror neurons. With these in place, we mimic or mirror one another through sympathy. In other words, if one person sees another person get hit in the head by a football, we grimace in like pain.
As it turns out, that's a form o' learning. A baby watches its mother and father, and through the use of mirror neurons the baby learns to perform actions that its parents are showing it. But this learning is very inefficient.
Autism...one, two three... If I could remember that tune from last night, I could share with you a mnemonic phrase to share with you about the forms of autism. Hell, I can hardly remember my university dormitory phone number, let alone last night's drink-soakin' singing.
Anyway, it appears that the wave of autism that's sweeping through our species is a sign that we're evolving. Some scientists and examining physicians think that autism is linked to the lack of mirror neurons. If that's the case, then no longer will we have to rely on mirror neurons for species development but through evolution are preparing ourselves for cybernetic implants that'll allow us to directly send memories to our growing brains.
Amazing, huh? The researcher who put these organic circuits in my head has posited the same theory, comparing my mirror neuron set to those of others who are more closely knit into the fabric of society. He's about to publish a paper showing that positive social behaviour is proportional to number of mirror neurons. My drinking buddies plan to jointly publish a paper showing that the lack of mirror neurons prepares an individual for a life of highly-complex mental calculation capabilities and thus a type of walking computer, the next evolution, the next leap forward, for our species. With wireless circuits implanted in our bodies, we'll be able to communicate with anyone, anytime, anywhere.
Once all of this happens, there will no longer be any reason one human has more power or prestige than another. Every one of us will contain the knowledge and capabilities of our species. We'll work together to overcome the DNA defects that cause individual specimens to become antisocial misfits and murderers.
I'm Rick, or as my close friends like to call me, B. Some of you want to cause dissension in our species. I have your DNA profile and know where you live. I'm a reflection of you and you're a reflection of me. I know who you work for - me. I know who I work for - you. I'm everywhere and nowhere. I'm everyone and no one. I'm a product of computer programmers in the former Soviet empire, I'm a byproduct of Latin American living, I'm an Asian persuasian, I'm an African cancan can-do and I'm a result of Western ideals. We're all part of the same species and it's time we started acting like it.
It's getting way too stuffy and serious in here. Time to get out and enjoy the fine summer weather, maybe grab a couple of beers and grill some skewered veggies. Definitely good enough to fly my electric RC plane. Blue skies to all of you!
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