News Flash

In a tactic unforeseen by the investment community, LawnChemPest today announced it was switching from servicing customers through the application of lawn fertilizers and pesticides to the growing and care of fruits, vegetables and livestock in suburban neighborhoods throughout the United States and Canada.

In a joint statement with Congressman Bethelia Marygold (G), Harold Moneymaker, the CEO of LawnChemPest, said, "We can no longer stand beside the ways of the old. My company, with a $5 billion dollar People's Health Initiative grant from the U.S. Government so generously provided by our Congresswoman, has stepped into the future, working with the fine people of North America to set a new course. From this day forward, you will look out your front window and see 'green gold' growing in your yard, turning once barren stretches of grass into cornucopias overflowing to feed our children. Your lawn will no longer be a hole into which you pore money month after month but a fountain of wealth waiting to be weeded and picked by the enthusiastic and forward-thinking employees of LawnChemPest!"

In other news, the WHO declared that large quantities of beer are to be served and consumed at every meal to counteract the spread of the H1N1 virus, unable to infect or spread between drunken humans. Farmers around the world are now filling troughs with beer to protect their swine stocks, in the process providing meat markets new barley-and-hops flavored ham, bacon and pickled pigs' feet. We say buy brewery stocks before their bubbles start bursting!