Sometimes I wish I could brag and tell you that I'm a suave, globe-trotting playboy who seduces women just by the hint of my presence before I even walk into a room. I know better. I'm a nice-looking guy with a good personality. Seduction is a matter of opinion. I'm just me. Some women are attracted to me. Some aren't. Don't ask me why.
I mentioned attending a commuter college. In fact, it was the Kingsport University Extension Center for ETSU and UT, a satellite campus for two universities. I believe it still exists but won't google it tonight. Instead, I'll think back to the time when I sat in a student desk and listened to a calculus professor's lecture.
A note landed on my desk. I opened the note and read, "I'm Alice Rae. 555-1212. Call me after 7 p.m. tonite (but not too late)."
The professor cleared his throat. "Mr. Hill, is there something I should see?"
I looked up at the prof. "Uh, no sir. I was just looking through some old notes."
"Very well, then. I'll continue. As you can see, the derivative of X, in this case, is related to..."
I laughed to myself, remembering when I was in the Georgia Tech Marching Band the previous year and we'd play short riffs for the cheerleaders to dance to before the football games. One of the cheers went like this:
Give me a Y [student section yells "Y!"]
Give me an X [student section yells "X!"]
Forget about calculus,
We want sex! [student section yells "Sex!" and drum section plays rim shot]
Another note landed on my desk. "Whatcha thinking about? Answer: _______________"
I wrote on the underscored line, "Sex and cheerleaders," and dropped the note over my shoulder without looking, hoping to shock the person behind me, presumably named Alice Rae.
A hand smacked me on my shoulder. I turned around while the prof wrote on the chalkboard. A cute girl with blonde hair winked at me and threw me a kiss between chomps on her chewing gum. I turned back around to avoid the prof seeing me not paying attention. I can't remember his name but he was pretty strict and cut out points from our 5-point participation grade for even the slightest hint of distraction or misbehavior.
When class ended, Alice Rae rushed off before I had the chance to speak with her so I called her that night. Despite the fact it was 7:30 p.m. and she lived on the other side of town (about a 15-minute drive), she invited me to her house, giving me detailed directions over the phone.
Since I was an adult living at my parents' house, I told them I was going out but shouldn't be too late coming home. They reminded me to be careful and that they did have to go to work the next day so not to make too much noise when I returned.
I drove to Alice Rae's house, following her directions to drive around the back of the local dirt racetrack and past the city dump. Now, those directions gave me the idea that her neighborhood might not be the best in town but I didn't care. Alice Rae was cute. When I got there, her house was a regular, small suburban home, maybe 1100 sq. ft., with a tiny but well-kept yard. Alice Rae was waiting for me on the front steps of the house. I started to get out of the car but she waved at me and ran up to the passenger door. She opened the door and slid across the bench seat, throwing one hand around my neck.
"You up for a movie?"
"Movie?"
"Yeah, I'm tired of staring at my parents. I'm bored."
We drove to the local theater, which at that time was a two-plex. The choices were a horror flick and a Disney animated feature. Alice Rae didn't like horror shows so we saw the animated movie.
Let me correct myself. We didn't see the animated movie. I bought two tickets for the movie and we sat in the back row. I caught a few minutes of the movie during a break for a breath of air but Alice Rae was set and determined that I should have no interest in what was showing on the movie screen.
There's only so much you can comfortably accomplish in old movie theater chairs, which were basically two pieces of curved wood with thin padding and hard metal elbow rests. However, Alice Rae insisted we stay until the end of the movie so she could watch the last few minutes and report to her parents that we'd really seen the movie. I like movies but I can't tell you what we saw. Seems like it was "The Fox and the Hound" but I'm not sure anymore. All that mattered was that Alice Rae could summarize the ending for her mother.
Back at her parents' place, Alice Rae introduced me to her parents, who were locked into padded recliners and glued to the TV set. Her younger brother was sitting on the sofa and watching the TV with them. The parents nodded for the brother to stand up so Alice Rae and I could sit on the sofa. Her mother asked Alice Rae about the movie. She laughed and told a part about the end of the movie. I'm not sure it would have mattered what she said because her parents seemed to keep their eyes and full attention on the TV program. The boy stood behind his father's recliner and made crude gestures such as kissing the back of his hand and ramming his index finger in and out of a small circle made with the thumb and index finger of his other hand the whole time I was making out with Alice Rae on the sofa.
When 11 p.m. rolled around, the father turned to me and asked me what I was doing. I told him that I worked at a local restaurant and planned to be a computer programmer after college. He told me that restaurant work was a good, steady job but he wasn't so sure about the long-term future of a job with these new computers everyone was talking about. He hadn't seen one yet and was certain they'd be a passing fad. He accused the university of misleading the students into paying for courses that wouldn't teach kids the real work skills they needed.
Alice Rae rolled her eyes at me. Her mother noted Alice Rae's boredom and told us to go to Alice Rae's room if we wanted some privacy. The brother quickened his finger motion and stuck out his tongue at Alice Rae. She flipped him a bird, grabbed my hand and led me down the short hallway to her bedroom.
Alice Rae closed the door behind us and locked it. "My brother will be in here in a minute if I leave it unlocked."
"Oh, okay."
"But don't let that stop you from doing anything you want." Alice Rae winked at me and jumped on the bed.
I lay down beside her and picked up where we had left off in the den. She helped me with the buttons, hooks and latches that seem designed to make life inconvenient at convenient times like that.
At this moment, I hesitate continuing to describe our exact actions. My father told me that "a gentleman never kisses and tells...". Then again, the rest of his advice was "...about what he does when alone with a lady." What's the definition of a lady? My father's idea of a lady is a woman who hides or does not overly display her sexuality. Based on that definition, Alice Rae was no lady but I mean that affectionately because I liked her sexuality. I prefer women who flirt and want to have a good time as opposed to church ladies who pretend not to be women. In other words, Alice Rae wouldn't mind what I'm about to write.
Alice Rae was a quick change artist in another life. I never saw a young woman get undressed as quickly as she did. She whispered to me after we got under the covers.
"The last guy who got in this bed wouldn't have sex with me."
I leaned up and looked at her face in the dark, seeing small reflections on her eyes of the light coming into the bedroom window from the street lamp.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. And you wanna know why?"
"Why?"
"'Cause he didn't trust me without using a condom."
"Oh."
"Do you trust me?"
"Umm...why wouldn't I trust you?"
"Do you think all I want is for you to get me pregnant?"
Hmm. Good question. She was the fastest, hottest woman I'd met. I rarely got past kissing on the first date. With Alice Rae I hadn't really had a formal date yet and I was already in bed less than 12 hours after meeting her. All of her conversation that evening had focused on how bored she was living at home with her parents. She complained about her younger brother being immature and intrusive but then that was normal for his age.
"Do you want to get pregnant?"
Alice Rae kissed me deeply and started guiding me into her. I held myself up on my elbows for a couple of seconds. She opened her eyes and smiled wide.
"Do you know what I did to that other guy?"
Now, imagine yourself in my position. A woman has her hand on your penis, gripping lightly but still holding her fingers in such a way that you know she has long fingernails. She squeezes ever so gently. You can either interpret the motion as a come-on or a warning.
"What?"
"I took my brother and went over to his place 'cause I knew where he lived. I poured sugar down his gas tank while my brother slashed his tires and scratched up his paint job."
My penis went limp.
Alice Rae pushed me off of her and laughed. "See, I'm not as eager as you think. I know you want to get me pregnant so I'm going to make you wait."
I breathed a silent sigh of relief. Alice Rae and I got dressed and made out for while before I finally noticed the late hour and excused myself since I had to be at work at 5 a.m.
The next day at school, I requested a change to a different section of Calculus class so I wouldn't have to sit with Alice Rae. As much as I liked her, I knew I wanted to finish school before any thought of having kids. We went out a few more times and she never once asked me why I changed classes. She kept promising to have sex with me when she felt I was ready. A few weeks later she saw me out on a date with another woman at the mall and made a big scene, claiming that I was her boyfriend and we were planning to have a kid together. Thank goodness, the woman with me was a friend of mine, Jennifer, who knew I'd been going out with Alice Rae or else it would have been a double bad night. Alice Rae stormed out of the mall, promising never to see me or date me again.
I kept waiting to find my tires slashed at school but it never happened. Alice Rae didn't know where I lived or my parents' names so I didn't worry about her finding my car at home. I didn't see her in school the next day. A classmate told me a few days later that Alice Rae had completely dropped out. It was too bad because she was actually pretty decent at calculus, not a straight-A student but a solid C, and if not for her boredom with life in general at that time might have made a career in math or accounting.
I saw her six months later while I was bussing tables at the restaurant. She was engaged, pregnant and happy as a clam. She thanked me for treating her like a lady and introduced me to her boyfriend as her previous fiancé. He told me that he'd heard all about me and was sorry to steal Alice Rae away from me but the best man won. I shook his hand and congratulated both of them on their future child.
In moments like this, when nothing special is going on except reminiscing, I wonder what my life would have been like had I not propped myself up on my elbows in Alice Rae's bed for a few seconds. I would probably have let my passion take over and had a kid with Alice Rae at age 19. By now, that child would be 28 years old, which likely means I would long ago have been a grandfather. Just as likely I wouldn't be in front of this computer screen now. Of course, I can't go back in time. I have a childless perspective, instead. At age 19, I thought I was going to finish my bachelor's degree in a few years, graduating at age 22 or 23. Little could I suspect that I would let life go by and wouldn't complete my bachelor's degree until 2001, 20 years after climbing into bed with Alice Rae.
They say that hindsight is 20-20. My childless perspective tells me that I'm here because of decisions I made when I was 10 years old and that I wouldn't have been mature enough to raise kids when I was 19. My biological clock, which is just about striking midnight, tells me that last sentence is bullshit - we're never really prepared to have our first kid and anytime is the right time as long as we have at least one. You can't see it but I'm shedding a tear for that kid I never had. This light, copper-freckled skin of mine is turning verdigris. Appropriate for Earth Day, I guess.
I hope Alice Rae has had a wonderful life and was blessed with many children and grandchildren. Her intelligence showed itself not in class but in her wisdom that children were the way to her happiness at age 19. If she changed her mind later on, I hope she finished her degree and found the job that suited her. In the short time I knew her she taught me that sex is fun without any need for foreplay if you're in the right mood. Perhaps she taught her daughters and granddaughters that some men are more interested in school than having children and to give them the time they need to figure that out. I thank her for seeing that in me, even if it meant she'll leave a legacy and I won't. We reach our destinies even when we don't know where we're going.
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