The next few days and the day or two before this one occupy a place in my psyche that I cannot categorize nor want to.
My thoughts are clouded by fear and inhibitions today. Apathy keeps me within my comfort zone. Nowhere to go because there's no desire to go anywhere or do anything.
No place for me in society in my condition.
Technology I let go ahead of me, leaving me behind, glad to step out of the fast lane, to give others my place in the race. Libido ran dry, brain is full, life was lived. No more viable alternatives.
Sadness overwhelms my body, loosens my joints, turns my muscles and thoughts into a ragdoll. I hang over my desk, motionless for hours, finally find myself looking at a blank mirror and wish for a reflection. Thus I'm here. Will care about these words at a later date, in a moment of lucidity, clarity or forgetfulness.
Look down at my hands and realize my skin is thinning, the underlying features more prominent than before, despite increasing freckles and "liver spots." Not yet onion paper. Maybe parchment paper thin. Translucent and never quite transparent. Ever apparent? Never a parent.
What biochemical rhythms rule me? Why these phases of a desire not to die and not to live? Sleep no quick fix. Dreamless states in all conditions. Rejuvenation a buzzword I spit on, if I had the oomph to collect saliva.
Enough. Let silence rule again. I may be back. I always was before. I will be. Even if I don't feel like I am.
[Remember to look up ACTH and vasopressin as memory enhancers; new words for today, aphasia and alexia, from Sagan's "The Dragons of Eden"]
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