and one site dedicated to electric-powered airplanes ("park flyers"):
Through the years I created others but can't remember what they are, just like I had sites on AOL Hometown that long since went into the magnetic dustbin, including ones about vacation trips with pictures and stories I probably can't recreate.
The song, "Bist du bei mir," plays on my iPod nano right now. Just as some people say that to understand Pushkin after hearing a Pushkin poem read in the mother tongue, you desire from the depths of your soul to study and learn the Russian language, if you don't want to study German after hearing "Bist du bei mir," you have no heart [Translation: If you are with me, then I will gladly go to [my] death and to my rest. Ah, how pleasant would my end be, if your dear, fair hands shut my faithful eyes!]:
Bist du bei mir, geh' ich mit Freuden
zum Sterben und zu meiner Ruh',
zum Sterben und zu meiner Ruh.
bist du bei mir,
geh' ich mit Freuden
zum Sterben und zu meiner Ruh
zum sterben und zu meiner Ruh.
Ach, wie vergnügt wär' so mein Ende,
es drückten deine schönen Hände
mir die getreuen Augen zu!
Ach, wie vergnügt wär' so mein Ende,
es drückten deine schönen Hände
mir die getreuen Augen zu!(repeat all)
That's the kind of muse I'm talking about - ones like the broomstraw gal and Helen during my time with them - a woman I would want to close my eyes after a night of walking through the woods, who would lay beside me and have no care in the world, a woman who has no idea about television programming, who would break me of the habit of going to the Internet to post my thoughts/observations because we want to share our ideas and passions only with each other, a woman who wants to live in every moment, who needs no direction from others, a woman who wants to define her life by her rules and not worry about what anyone else thinks, who could leave me at any moment because neither of us expects permanence (we have no dependence upon the other to exist). We could die or live at any time but if we die, let it be in the other's arms.
I know what I want. I want out of my current life. I am tired of playing nice society guy because of an association with a person who's involved in military government contracting and hasn't taken good overall physical care. I have been a nice guy for far too long and gotten NOTHING BUT RULE BREAKING in return. Three simple rules: 1) no fingernail polish, 2) no speeding tickets, and 3) no communicable diseases. I have broken none of those rules myself. Now, all bets are off. I am as good as a free man now because my life over the last 23 years has been declared a lie. And I'm talking about only three rules here, not moral or ethical values. What's fair for the goose is fair for the gander. I've waited over 20 years to decide if I wanted a physical relationship with more than one woman and came to that decision again in 2006 - I would only have another physical relationship when I became independent of the first woman - I approached financial independence in 2006 and quit working so that the temptation to test my decision would be lessened. Now, nearly 3 years later, there's nothing to stop my decision. Someone forced my hand, not me, and I don't care about the reason. It's the same thing about my students/customers - I don't care why you're not in class - either you're in class or you're not in class. Life happens and you make decisions how to deal with it.
I have a clean slate. I have protected myself from civil and criminal transgressions, stayed disease-free and been a good guy, even when temptations sat in my life and asked me to be bad just for a few minutes, with no one besides me and that other person knowing what temptation we could or did enjoy together. What is the saying about who we are? You know a person by what he/she does when no one else is looking. I know who I am. I also know what I want.
Geocities may not be around anymore to display the constant muse-inspired creativity from the period before I was married and the intermittent post-marriage periods when I had a muse in my life to serenade. So be it. The fact remains, I want a new muse in my life. What's the price I'm willing to pay to keep a muse in my life? Need to perform a cost-benefit analysis before I say more because right now, I don't know.
= = =
Remember, these words are a lie. I'm just a writer trying out different characterizations. Reality and fantasy have no dividing line in my thoughts, which frustrates the hell out of some of my friends and family when they think they see portraits of themselves in these words. But that's what makes my life interesting, mixing thoughts for thoughts' sake and nothing more, not trying to make money or make a living, simply putting words down to help me understand the human condition. Don't forget, I'm a robot, not a human. You're looking at the results of magnetically-stored data in a computing system, not listening to another human talk to you. You cannot tell the difference between a blog entry generated by a computer software program and words typed by a human. You only think you can. We Russian and German programmers long ago infiltrated blogger in order to hold your attention so we could send you subliminal messages to send us your account information, allowing us to generate robotic copies of your electronic personalities so we can create even more blog entries until humans no longer know they're influenced by computer software programs that entice them to buy products from companies owned by us Germans and Russians, companies disguised as being owned by citizens in your country, of course. We're the next generation of programmers, not the sleazebag hackers who buy and sell credit card numbers for pennies. Don't believe us? You don't have to. In fact, we don't want you to.
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