Double-Dipole Diplomacy

Meanwhile, back at the diplomatic headquarters...

"Comrade, we have ways of making you talk."

"Yes, yes, I know. Do you have butterscotch or butter pecan ice cream?"

"Butterscotch. Why?"

"Because for butterscotch, I'll say one thing and for butter pecan, I'll say something else."

"And what if we had neither?"

"Then it'll be a very long night."

"Here is your butterscotch. So start talking!"

"I have traveled many a long dusty road."

"And...?"

"Well, I'm thirsty, too."

"Here is some wodka."

"Do you have Perrier?"

"No sparkling water. Only still."

"In that case, get me the president."

"Here is the phone. You make the call."

"Hello? Mrs. President? Yes, it is I, your valiant emissary, Ahnold, emperor of the Golden State. No, ma'am. I was not successful. We are still part of your country. We have not succeeded in seceding. We still hope you will pass the health care legislation started 12 years ago by one of your predecessors so that I can dump some of our government employee burden on your country so we can both declare victory. Yes, ma'am. Long live the Revolution! Here is the phone back."

"Good. Now you will talk. Tell us who really runs your government."

"Never."

"You lie. You will tell us. Who runs your..."

"Never. Sir Danforth Quail Never runs our country."

"You mean Sir Neville?"

"That's what I said."

"How does he...?"

"He and his sister in-law, Arianna Huffington, took over the country many years ago."

"Yes, we know about your President Huffington. But the two are not related."

"It's a complicated matter. I'm finished with the ice cream. Do you have a good cigar from our 52nd state I could smoke? I've wanted a Cuban for a long time."

"Hav-a-tampa?"

"Yes, after they moved to Cuba, their smokes nearly equal the finest Nicaraguans."

"Comrade?"

"Yes, Emperor Putin."

"Let's be honest with each other. We have the total power of nearly a quarter of the world. What do you think it will take for you and I to finish our conquests?"

"Make Sir Neville your second-in-command."

"What?"

"Yes, by bringing together the wealth and secret power of the two countries, not only will RussCan dominate the Northern Hemisphere but with the annexation of the U.S. and the rest of the Americas, we can unite our world into two superpowers once again."

"How can I trust you on this? You promised me the E.U. a long time ago and I'm still only partially owning their industries."

"Remember the wise words of your comrade ruling the other superpower - Hu. 'Patience is a pill you swallow very slowly, letting only the last undissolved bit reach your stomach, because you always want to feel a little hungry for more.'"

"Da. Spasibo, Tovarisch!"

"De nada."

"Do you really sing 'California Uber Alles' at home with Maria?"

"Vell, she nods along with me but doesn't actually sing the words."

"Good thing you let Jerry Brown run your office for a while. It sure made the people make you want to come back and declare yourself their leader for your lifetime."

"I credit Huff and Never for that idea."

"Huffing Never?"

"No. Never and Huff."

"Oh, you mean Sir Neville and President Huffington?"

"Yes, yes."

"I'll thank them next time they come to visit me at my Afghan palace."

"Hasta la vista, baby."

"See you later, alligator."