Poiuytrew

I looked at two sets of eyes today - deep-brown, almost black irises. Too dark to see if pupils were expanding or contracting. I looked at other facial movements for clues about the two people. We have seen each other many times but I still look for reassurance of our connectedness. Why?

I exist in this moment - well-established fact. I find what I want in this moment - self-assured fact. I want to give my share of this moment away - curious fact. Why?

I want to know you but do you want me to know you? By knowing you, I write down what I observe about you from my perspective. My perspective, though, has many moods and styles of writing. I may use humour, criticism, fiction, or some mix of the three.

I look at one face and see the profile of Mayan royalty. I look at the other face and see Asian beauty. Each with a history, personal and cultural. Each with a set of daily problems and solutions.

I look for a smile but if I won't get a smile will I be happy with what I get? What if a smile is not the personal/cultural recognition sign from the other? What if a smile is preserved for close friends only, in order to maintain a shell of indifference, a shield against the rest of the world of faces?

I live in this moment. Today's earlier moments are gone. I cannot retrieve the previous moments but I can remember them in this moment. In reliving a moment in my thoughts, I take away from my ability to learn a new task like writing a new song, or seeing a new view of the outside world.

To some degree, I value wandering and aimlessness so I can keep my sense of wonder alive. Wandering and aimlessness mean forgetting previous moments so the current moment is all I've got, free from planning for the future. When free of time, I have only myself to give, no external gifts I've made or future to offer. I'm just plain me, with all my freckles and wrinkles, not an athletic star or academic giant. When I'm me outside of time, I don't know who I am except through you. If I get no indication from you who I am, I am not me. When I'm free of time and no longer me, I am a clear pane of glass, devoid and null. Not even a chameleon or a mirror.

To be devoid and null means no concentration, no focus, no exertion of my will. A little scary at times, keeping all but my physical appearance out of the picture, subject to your interpretation without commentary from me. Comparable to showing a photograph of a friend to someone who seems unimpressed and adding, "Oh, he's got great charm and personality. He's just not photogenic." What if you don't say anything and the person doesn't say anything back? You're both standing there looking at a photograph, a static image, a time-based capture that doesn't represent the friend except in one moment.

That's what it feels like when you don't smile back.

Time to review some of the feedback I've gotten in regards to reviving the loan/credit business...