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As I've told you, I have a constant dilemma - being a hermit in the midst of a desert of people and being a switchboard operator who's making JIT (just in time) connections between people whose lives are key to my success. At once, I want to be alone and want to be surrounded by people I love. But so what? That's what being a responsible adult is all about.

Speaking of responsibility, I've conducted more research, courtesy of my friends. Did you know that we're using up the planet's oxygen? That's right. By putting more and more talking heads on television and radio, their voices and the equipment they use are consuming vast quantities of oxygen. In fact, a secret, conspiratorial laboratory is working day and night to create more oxygen so we can have more impartial news coverage. One researcher contacted me and showed me diagrams of devices that directly siphon off the breath of public speakers and pump the air deep into oceans. The carbon dioxide buildup will take centuries before there's any effect, the researcher said.

Bad news. I took the researcher's data and entered it into my planetary simulation program which includes the activities of the antlike creatures we call humans. The effect of carbon dioxide buildup is not the main problem. The main problem is the effect of the giant straws shoved down into the oceans. Large populations of brine zebra mussels will clog the straws and attract giant squids and octopi, which in turn will stir up gadzillions of zooplankton and disrupt the ocean currents.

But don't worry. The switch of the magnetic poles in the next few years will overshadow the catastrophic effect of massive temperature swings across the planet.

So, while you glue your ears to the words and images of your favorite soothsayer, who assures you of your place in society, the combined effects of soothsaying will transform the planet into one giant swamp where alligators, crocodiles and eerie swamp gas will rule, and whales will sprout feet and wander land, hunting humans for sport.

More fun reading: http://www.science.org.au/nova/newscientist/104ns_002.htm