15 February 2010

Breaking News!

In a surprise maneuver, the secret coalition of the UN-1 (United Nations Minus China) made a unanimous decision.  But the solidarity was only part of the surprise.  More importantly, all nations of Earth (minus China) decided to devalue their currencies to zero, making the Chinese renminbi yuan currency too expensive to deal with anymore and therefore declared null and void.  Following the example set after Kuwait was freed from Iraq, all debts, public and private, have been cleared.

Politicians, pundits and news analysts not let in on hints about the meeting nor informed of the existence of UN-1 have been shouting over each other to be heard, making accusations about the New World Order Conspiracy and other noise no one's paying attention to since most media broadcast companies have temporarily suspended operations due to lack of funding.

The world populace, if one can make such a broad sweep across diverse cultures, is stunned.  With no money to spend and no debts to repay, people don't know what to do.  Those who've used barter all their lives are continuing their normal business practices.  The street value of lemons, limes and other fruit have skyrocketed.  Gold standard hawks are said to be circling overhead.

In other news, Harvard has announced a temporary suspension of all PhD programs and put all faculty and staff on administrative leave while Interpol investigates the backgrounds of anyone associated with Harvard.  Interpol has stated that all Ivy League schools are subject to search and seizure without notice or just cause.  Security firms associated with employee background checks have been shut down worldwide.  The World Court of Justice has opened up a forum seeking input on whether juvenile records should or should not be deleted after a juvenile delinquent with a criminal record has reached the age of 18 - in the meantime, the court has encouraged all "accidental" deaths to be re-investigated, with an extra emphasis on arrests AND convictions in ALL cases.

In sartorial news, the sales of Doc Martens boots and heavy brass finger rings have increased dramatically.  Tattoo parlors are seeing a brisk increase in the number and size of body art, with many tattoo artists accepting food, weapons and other survival gear in trade.

Meanwhile, the World League of Justice is trying to create a new identity for itself.  Superheroes used to protect people from crimes related to commerce - handbag theft, bank vault breakins, etc. - but now that commerce no longer exists in the old way, the superheroes have lost their lustre and superheroism.  The new heroes are those who've formed street markets, trade unions and other means of simplifying the barter system.  With no credit cards or money to steal, thieves, thugs and mafioso bosses are moving to more lucrative means to make a living such as hijacking caravans of oranges and watermelons in order to force a huge swing in fruit value on the open barter exchange.

This is your roving reporter bringing you the latest and greatest news too unreal to be true and too untrue to be real!  Until next time...

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