A New Pencil, At Last

I dug through some old boxes and found an honest-to-goodness wooden pencil.  Now that I've sharpened it, I have new predictions to type about.  They don't look much different than the rubbery pencil shavings' visions.

Looks like Tiger Woods will fall back into his repute of ill dens.  But no problem, his new prenup allows him to play with his golf clubs away from home.

Hu Jintao will arrange punitive measures against the United States for hosting the Dalai Lama, which will cause Ramen noodles to rise in value and be served only at fine restaurants.

Dick Cheney will deny responsibility for the start of World War III but will take credit for bringing an end to the civil war in the United States.

Somalia will declare itself a nuclear arms pirate nation.

A group of wealthy independent thinkers will launch a satellite that drops an Internet radio station on the Moon, allowing those who want their voices to be heard to have a place free of government regulations to broadcast their messages.

An Indian chef will become a worldwide celebrity after creating a tasty freeze-dried curry dish eaten by his people during their first journey in outer space.

Global average temperatures keep dropping while the Arctic Ocean completely thaws during the Northern Hemisphere summer, perplexing climate change theorists.  Water skiing enthusiasts don't care - they open new shops along Russian and Canadian beaches, turning wetsuits into the latest fashion must-haves.

Tiddlywinks replaces men's figure skating in the Winter Olympics.

Nicaragua and Cuba combine their governments, changing their motto to "Cigars: You're Dying To Smoke One."

Mobile phones become throwaway commodities reduced down to the size of pills.  People swallow their mobile phones in the morning and have conversations with their friends simply by thinking the phone numbers and then talking to themselves.  A famous movie star will attempt suicide by swallowing a whole bottle of mobile phones, causing confusion with the strangers who receive random phone calls while the movie star counts to 100 and is assuming that number will be sufficient for the pills to be effective, then thinking voices in the head are a sign of going to heaven.  "Hello.  May I help you?"  "Where am I?"  "I don't know, where are you?"  "Is this heaven?"  "No, this is the Third Street Bakery."  "You mean, they have bakeries in heaven?"