Stirrups and Spurs

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

"Ted."

"Yes, sir?"

"Am I to understand that you're supporting this upcoming takeover of the government?"

"No, sir.  I wouldn't say that.  Not in those words."

"Yet, you've petitioned the government for secession of your landholdings."

"Yep.  That's what I did.  You see, I know there's a war coming.  And it's going to be a bloody war.  There ain't nothing civil about this one.  So I've got it figured out that if I just go ahead and declare my land a sovereign nation, I won't get caught in the middle of all the fighting over who's in charge and who's got to be sacrificed for the cause."

"The cause?"

"Hell, yeah.  You know what I'm talking about.  We've been working on this for how long now?"

"I never heard anyone refer to it as 'the cause.'"

"That's the issue, isn't it?  We're not a cause, in the strictest sense.  We're visionaries, you and I and the rest of the folks gathered here this weekend."

"All with different visions, I might add."

"In a way, yes.  In a way, no.  All our visions combined make one big helluva plan for the future, don't they?"

"I certainly hope so."

"It is.  Mr. Kissinger, I've always wondered how you arranged things so smoothly with China.  Since it's just you and me here, tell me what you had on 'em that made 'em want to negotiate."

"Vell, Mr. Turner, it's like this.  The enemy of my enemy is my adversary's apothecary.  We sent agents disguised as missionaries into the countryside to determine what made the Chinese people one people.  It turns out that the magic of apothecary secrets is the common thread among all the diverse populations of China, from waterfront docks to skyscrapers to rice fields.  I arranged with President Nixon that we would supply certain...how do you say it in English?...under-the-counter ingredients not readily available on the open market.  Elephant tusks and rhino horns, for example.  The beaks of an endangered Hawaiian bee eater.  Blood samples from English aristocracy.  Hair from Queen Elizabeth's scalp."

"You what?"

"They were very curious about the apparent invisible power the English monarchy has over its people.  I was assured that Chinese scientists would discover this secret and use it on future leaders of their country.  Now I know this sounds absurd but in the course of many international treaty negotiations I have seen many requests that have little relevance to the treaty itself.  In fact..."

"I'm sure you've seen a lot, Henry.  Tell you what.  Let's get back together with the others and see if some of them are ready to make serious concessions.  I'm willing to host their fortunes in the hidden, underground vaults of my ranch but I need more than verbal assurances they'll back each other when the chaos hits the fan."

"Mr. Turner, you have my full support.  I will work with the others to consolidate our position that if we are to be future beacons of hope for the common people, we must hide our wealth and make it appear that government bureaucracies have stolen our hard-earned money for their evil plans."

"Not only that but we'll have to pool some of our resources to fund counter-insurgencies when the first wave of 'freedom fighters' turn out to be ruthless dictators in disguise."

"You were reading my mind.  I will convey just that very same message."

"Kissinger, you're all right.  I had my doubts about you but some of your old Chinese colleagues backed you up.  I even got a good recommendation from Jimmy Carter, of all people.  Bill and Hillary told me you're a sly fox and coming from them, I took that as a compliment.  Even the ol' intelligence buddies, George Bush and Vladimir Putin, put in a good word for you."

"Of course."

"Now, before we get out of here, I've got a couple of names to throw at you.  Joe 'Red Eagle' Ginn."

"Good man.  He has made his tribe a lot of money."

"Do you think we could promote him to territorial president of Americanaxo?"

"Possibly."

"Good.  Dick Cheney."

"What about him?"

"Leader of the first wave of insurgents or the second wave of counter-insurgents?"

"Will there be a third wave?"

"Yes, that's where Red Eagle comes in."

"First wave, then."

"Any recommendations for the second wave?"

"Do you anticipate the counter-insurgents to be simply anti-first wavers or pretending to unite the North American continent into one?"

"Anti-first wavers."

"Then, you need to form a committee, not have one single leader.  What about Oprah, Sarah Palin, Carlos Slim and Stephen Harper from Canada?"

"Those are good names, Kissinger.  But you know Bill Gates was really hoping to get in on this action.  He's grown tired of the philanthropist role."

"Yes, but he is seen as a business tycoon.  The people will not accept anyone of that caliber to lead them.  Not even Ballmer, I don't think."

"What about Carlos Slim that you mentioned?  He's no destitute dude."

"But the people of the United States do not know that.  We can build him into a man wrecked by ruthless business leeches who caused the Second Great Recession when they wouldn't lend any of the money from the stimulus funds, only lining their pockets and building even bigger mansions with the people's money."

"Thanks, Henry.  Keep those ideas coming.  Let's get in there and see if we wrap this up.  I'm ready for some trail riding."