Slaves of the Standard of Living

"Hey, Joe!"

"Yeah?"

"Look at this, willya?"

"What the f..."

"That's what I'm thinking."

"Can you tell who owns this?"

"Hell if I know."

"Well, we gotta tell the boss."

"You ain't kidding!"

= = =

"So, let me get this straight.  You goes into the client's primary residence to install a security system and youse guys find three other security systems already installed?"

"Yeah, boss.  Only thing is, though, these security systems...well..."

"Spit it out, Pinhead."

"Well, boss, see...these systems...they ain't for keeping no burglar out.  They's designed to spy on our client's domicile."

"Fartface, is he for real?"

"Yeah, boss.  I think there might be other stuff in there we ain't seen yet."

"What do you mean you ain't seen yet?"

"As soon as we saw that other shit, we dropped what we was doing and came directly over here to report it to ya."

"Uh-huh.  So you're telling me you don't have a complete picture of what's really going on over at the client's place, is that it?"

"Somethin' like that, yeah."

"Well, get your big fat asses out of here and finish the job!  And don't touch nothing, neither.  I don't want whoever it is who put those things in there to know we're in there, too."

"Sure thing, boss."

= = =

"Tranquility, this is base.  The eagle feathers are back.  Over."

"Cut it out with the CB, walkie-talkie crap.  What do you see?"

"Ten-four, good buddy.  Roger that.  We've got a plain brown wrapper with pretty seat covers cruising by and coming out of the rocking chair position.  Over."

"U'rhythmia, what's he saying?"

"Well, Mr. Casey, sir.  I think he's saying there are some undercover female cops about to pass our position."

"Incredible.  Look, I hope you're ready to take over this outfit soon.  With techno talk boy here, too."

"Absolutely, sir.  I've aced every exam and physical test so far.  I think I'm ready."

"Good.  Cause I've got a pain in my ass that really hurts.  Fell off the ladder while installing some security cameras on a private job last night.  I'm going to lay back and take a couple of pain pills.  You take over this one, will you?"

"Yes, sir.  Gladly, sir.  Miguel, this is U'rhythmia.  What's your 10-20?"

"I'm in traffic on a 10-0.  Over."

"Can you describe the seat covers to me?"

"Yeah, they're crossdressers.  I think they're disguised or trying to be.  Over."

"A heavyset, short one and a tall, skinny one driving?"

"10-4."

"Looks like it's them.  We're on our way for the 10-23."

"Should I run a 10-27?"

"No.  I'm sure it's them.  Continue your 10-40."

"Roger that.  Over."

"Over and out."

= = =

"Abigail, I got a text."

"And?"

"It's coming from that mobile phone relay unit I put in our neighbour's house."

"Cool.  What's it say?"

"I don't know.  Something weird.  It's reporting information from four wireless security systems, including itself, as well as two wireless Internet connections."

"Awesome.  What does that mean?"

"It means we've got some great stuff to put up on our old MySpace page tonight!"

= = =

"CIA Grassville office.  May I help you?"

"Yes.  When do classes begin?"

"Classes?"

"Yes, my son signed up for your CIA courses and I need to know when the first day of class is."

"Ma'am, we don't train anyone here."

"But his acceptance letter came from your admissions office.  I'm sure he's supposed to start taking classes there."

"Ma'am, we don't send out acceptance letters."

"You mean this isn't the Culinary Institute of America?"

"No, ma'am."

"I see.  Then who am I talking to?"

"This is the Center for Information Assessment, part of the Committee for Public Safety under the umbrella group the People's Office for the Protection of the Republic."

"Oh, you mean I'm talking to the Chia Pet Poppers?  That's just so amazing.  You know, this will impress my son that I've actually talked to someone in an official capacity.  He thinks I don't know anything and don't have any friends with important duties.  But now that I've talked to you!  Well!  What's your name?  [CLICK]"

"Who what that?"

"A crank caller."

"Another one?  We need to change our phone number.  Say, have you looked at today's report?"

"Yep.  We had activity in Sector 4-A-23C."

"C?  I thought it was B."

"That was yesterday's report."

"No, yesterday's report showed activity in ICU-U-C-ME in your house.  He-he."

"Very funny.  So what's your conclusion?"

"We have a team checking it out."

"What's the objective for this surveillance?"

"We had a report that a set of unusually strong electromagnetic signals were being sent and received from that location.  The Committee for Equal Distribution of Power Grid Usage wants to assess if there is any unauthorised power bandwidth generation in that sector.  We are to observe and report ONLY.  No contact with the citizens at this time."

"What's your take on this one?"

"We've observed this location more than once."

"I know that.  Inconclusive every time."

"Yeah.  I gather this is a political maneuver.  We'll file this report like all the others."

"Exactly.  You know, when is our job not political?"

"Well, it's a job and it pays most of my bills so why don't we go over some upcoming assignments and then break for lunch?"

"Good point."

= = =

"The boss ain't gonna like this."

"No shit, Sherlock.  What do you thinks happenin'?"

"I think our network's triggered this box to go off."

"You think that display means anything?"

"You mean it countin' down from five minutes?"

"You think that's what it means?"

"Why don't you wait here and find out?"

"I say we go to the pub for a couple of beers."

"Yeah, like right now!"

= = =

"U'rhythmia, you all right?"

"I don't know.  I feel funny.  What happened?"

"Some object took off out of that building.  The shock wave knocked us all out and some sort of EMP killed all our electronics.  We're probably toast ourselves but don't know it yet."

"My eyesight is messed up."

"At least we're alive.  Mr. Casey didn't make it."

"Damn!  Well, I guess that means I'm in charge.  How you doing?"

"It hurts to breathe, the skin on my face and hands are fried and I think my legs are broken but other than that, I'm okay."

"Well, that means we're stuck here, doesn't it?  No communications, no mobility..."

"I've already fired off three flares, filled a dozen helium balloons and released them one every five minutes so we..."

"You did?  How long have I been out?"

"Approximately 30 minutes.  I don't have a watch but I found an old metronome I'd brought with me on a previous assignment and have been using it as a sort of stopwatch."

"Great job!  You're the best!"

"Oh, don't thank me.  Thank my parents for setting me down in front of the TV and watching old reruns of Wild, Wild West, MacGyver, A-Team, Man from U.N.C.L.E., Mod Squ..."

"I'll be sure to thank your parents next time I see them."

"You can't.  They're dead."

"There you have it.  Okay, so when do you expect a response team to arrive?"

"They arrived ten minutes ago.  They're already assessing the blast hole."

"What about us?"

"I gave them the go-ahead to proceed, since we weren't dying, and let us wait for a civilian emergency medical team to pick us up.  After all, we aren't here in an official capacity, are we?"

"You're thinking on your feet!  Well, sort of..."

= = =

"So what do we tell the boss?"

"Fuck if I know.  This ain't what I figured we was here for."

"Me, neither.  I thought this was some sort of double-crossing, two-timing snitch what we was gatherin' incriminatin' evidence to turn over to the Committee for the Benefit of Having a Very Clear Conscience."

"Yeah, like someone wasn't behavin' properly like."

"You think we should go back in there and retrieve our gear?"

"What, with the others in there snoopin' around?"

"Hey, we're legitimate private contractors just doin' our job, ain't we?"

"Good point."

= = =

"I've got an update on the report.  It appears that the electromagnetic activity has spiked in the past two hours."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, look at this graph."

"Beautiful."

"Isn't it, though?  Reminds me of the time we placed those neutron detonation devices along that fault line in the Caribbean.  Shame about the loss of lives but the tectonic plate activity was perfectly aligned with what we predicted."

"Any word from the team?"

"They've been neutralised by a private 'emergency medical' team we sent in.  A team from the Center for Entertaining the Masses is reviewing the scene and creating a temporary movie set to make this look like a special effects job gone out of control."

"Any buzz coming out of the astronomy community?"

"Yeah.  They're claiming that a spacecraft has launched into orbit."

"Okay, help them keep making that claim.  We've got a couple of experts in UFOs who we can also make counterclaims for us that this is a sure sign of Alien Armageddon.  The public won't know the difference and won't care."

"I thought we were the Information Assessment team, not Misinformation Dispersal."

"I guess it's time you and I had a little talk..."