Bubba Bamboo and the Eighth Dimension

"You summoned me, Emperor Bing?"

"Jerryang, I'm bored. I want a planet to play with."

"Emperor, here is a planet in the Sol system, the third major satellite from its sun. One species in particular dominates the exchange of planetary goods."

"Excellent. Give me chaos. Let's see how that species handles some ecological changes. I want earthquakes, typhoons, overheating..."

"Anything else, Emperor?"

"What can you tell me about this species?"

"Well, Emperor, they believe they control their own destiny."

"They do, do they? In that case, I want to shake up their foundations. Get me in touch with one of them and let's see if we can stir up the straw in their beds and get them itching."

"Yes, Emperor."

- - -

"Bubba Bamboo, I haven't seen you since you wuz knee high to a grasshopper."

"John Parker, I hardly recognized you."

"They call me Parker Gripwith now."

"How you doin'?"

"How you doing?"

"Fine. Just fine. What brings you to these parts?"

"Well, I had an other-worldly experience."

"John, I mean Parker, haven't we all. Remember when..."

"No, I really was off-world. I met quite an unusual fellow. He claimed to be emperor of the universe."

"You don't mean Bing, do you?"

"Yes. How do you know him?"

"That ol' guy has been hanging around this planet in one form or another for years. He's so senile he can't recall his last visit. It's a shame. In his day, he was a great leader. People listened to him. He had the galaxy under his spell. Now he's playing Solitaire and thinkin' he's playing 3D chess. What did he say to you?"

"He wants me to cause a shift in the environment of your political zone."

"He what?"

"He says that I no longer am viable in the organization in which I was elected."

"You're an elected official? I thought you wuz a doctor or funeral home director or somethin'."

"I have many faces, Bubba Bamboo."

"Yes, you do. So, what're you plannin' to do? I could use you in the fight to hold off the terrorists trying to break through to this dimension."

"Bubba, there are no terrorists. There are misguided individuals that I believe you will find and help give them the positive reinforcement they need."

"Why, only if they'll eat some of my refried pork-and-beans."

"Bubba, find a halfway meeting point. Perhaps consult one of your friends practicing Jainism or some other third-party way of life. Falafel is a good meal for all to eat. They can eat a tofu steak on the side while you eat the steak of your choice."

"Parker, you're the man. You still haven't told me what you plan to do."

"I have yet to consult with the brothers and sisters in my business. There is some talk of us declaring an independent political group carved from the centrists who are no longer interested in support the fringe elements of their groups. In fact, secession is a popular topic, too. I have seen the V for victory, anchored in Washington, Texas and Vermont, that might mean it's time to take the so-called emperor seriously."

"I never took you for a person who looked for signs."

"I am not. But there are those who will follow us who will want such signs. Sometimes their means justify my ends."

"Your ends?"

"Yes, I have consulted with those of us who serve a higher purpose than local politics, just as you serve the higher purpose of protecting our species against unseen invaders."

"We're comrades, free of language, looks or other barriers."

"Yes, even Q said so, no matter what his motives may be."

"That so? Reminds me of my pal Rod, who said he doesn't care what you think as long as your actions meet his approval."

"Well, mon, I have much work to do. Find your terrorists and introduce them to your local culture and enjoy some of the finer points of theirs."

"I think I will."

"Don't think. Do."

"You bet. Seeya later. And good luck with that political stuff."

"Best of luck with you and your BBQ picnic. Jerk is not only a Caribbean meat but also the name for people who are incorrigible."

"You're right about that. I think I'll find them terrorists and introduce them to some backyard football. We'd shore have a heap o' lotta more fun passin' and tacklin' than shootin' each other. Have a good'un."