Telephonetics

What's the best way to stay out of the way? Don't. Don Quixote stood there in front of me, giving me all I needed and now the bet's finally paying off. No tea and crumpets. No food of any kind. Communications channels through which to swim, shark-free this time, of course. But like I said, once mentioned, not to be outdone again. Fun in the sun. Movies about Barcelona, retirement homes in Lithuania and then it's onto the drawing board. Being of Danish blood, one has to ask if Vikings are real. Balk at Balkan tales. Look at steppes. Mongol or mongrel. South Seas or Hawaiian pineapple fields. Singapore slings. Hong Kong fooey. Kamchatka killing fields or Vietnam growing...what did you say? The route's plotted or red. Why take the train when the train's stationed? Pat, I'll take a "stan." Make sure you're wearing an afghan when you say that. Take Alex and his gang of elephants with you on the next boxcar. You can grow your pretty flowers, but we want the trade roots for our boys and girls back home. Talibans and towelheads. Might as well say "bad dog" and get it over with. How do you spell al qaeda this time? Quit with the old lies - the military-industrial complex is terminology wasted on twitter-sized calories. We've all got google-sized maps to plot our strategies now, too.

I stood on the hilltoppers, sizing up the situation room. Swallowed an aspirin, thinning my blood. Looked at the clock. Counted for 25 seconds. The world my crystal ball (now you know another one of my secrets). Milkshake with thickening agent - can't use the word milk anymore, can we? Pilot light turned off. Dishwasher and washing machine churning real butter. Rubbed. Cleaned. Cleared. Prediction rosed, rosined. No phoenix on timecard. Just another one of my moments. I became you. Heard the icemaker. Fireworks. A villager tending a rice patty. Mending another time. Timeless. Sunrise just around the valley. How can a mobile phone pull weeds? How does a leech send texts? Macrobiotic conditioning. Nanoparticles propagated by GMO at the WTO while contracting H1N1 cleansing Ebola from your shoes.

One phone call at a time. One hundred and thirty-three years of phones ringing. Photosynthesis never giving a busy signal. The line between human ingenuity and human sweat strung on telegraph poles. Automated farms and automated factories. No automated university learning? Throw out the mobiles if the mobile ones aren't learning. Steal the children's chatting and sell their words for mining - child-labor laws violated. Tell them they're being watched and watch them skew the data like vandals spray-painting gang signs for fun. Like answering a survey and saying you're born in 1911 and live in an igloo in Ethiopia with wireless Internet gaming machines making toast and jam and you're voting None of the Above this year. It's not lying. It's playing adults for fools. When a Harry Potter movie sucks, say it's cool even though you've outgrown its magic spell on you. Then go buy snacks and take a walk in a park to see Leo play with the Big Dipper and the Archer play Guitar Hero with the stars.

Never trend data you bought because they bought you before they knew who you were. Texting and chatting, facebook and twitter, search terms on baidu. Don't buy the hype unless you like four-wheeling in mud on the way to a super-16 birthday party dressed in high waders. People will believe anything you tell them, waiting like a baby with its mouth open and the spoon headed its way until the food smells like putrid green mush. Next time a popular trend starts, like a new book, movie or star, watch them say the opposite of what they mean, refer to one thing as another, or say nothing at all. That's the way I saw the world from the crib - smile when you're angry, scream when you're happy. Learn to get adults to react the way they think they're supposed to react and then get out of their way. Buy high and find someone willing to buy higher. Sell low to get the attention of those who follow you too closely. Their trends you mine when their friends get in line. Keep your mouth shut when others are sharing their opinions - they'll think you share their opinions no matter what (or if) you think.

That's why I let my house fall to pieces. Appearances are always more deceiving than reality. Walk to the cemetery in tattered clothes, your coffin a pine box or urn. Pauper's grave preferred. If it's riches you want, get them. Just make sure you're buying from Me, Conglomerated. I've got you covered, from tooth to pharmaceutical fillings, def rides and hearing aids, baby formula and plastic formulas, hospital births and hospice deaths, your life from A to Z. If you don't own much, there's not much to tax. If you don't owe much, there's not much to take. Live and let lease, my grandfather always said. Never keep double books. Never short your bookie. Never look behind your back. Let your face be seen. Innocent is as innocent does.