Relaxing Holiday?

"Mr. President, sir."

"That's Sir President to you."

"'Sir President'? Isn't that joke getting old?"

"No. I figure if I inherited the empire from King George II, I deserve to be called king, too. If the people anoint one, they must by logic anoint the other."

"As long as they don't call you King George III. There's a bit of history in that name..."

"Madness! Names, names, names. I have no time for names. What have you got for me this time?"

"Mr. President, I present to you the Siamese solution."

"I thought that was another joke to which I curry no favor."

"Sir, this is no joke. We have found the twin solution for your medical condition."

"Hmm...word of my condition has made it into the news? Where does this leak come from?"

"Mr. President, we assure you you are not leaking. It's the other condition which needs attention."

"A man of my age has certain ailments. What of them?"

"No, sir, we have not found the cure for gray hair. This is bigger than that."

"Let me have it. Sock it to me. I can handle bad news - I have spin doctors at the ready, trained at the Reagan-Clinton Center for Refried Information."

"Sir, here is the woman who has prepared the report for you. Carly Fiorina...sorry, I mean Linda Fiorentino."

"I'm confused. Are you the former head of HP or the actress who hooked up with Will Smith under the watchful eye of Jada Pinkett Smith and thus unable to get a role in the sequels?"

"The latter but you are confused. My role was as it was. I have other performances underneath me now."

"Good for you, although I haven't heard of them. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. I've always wanted to say that, ever since typing class in middle school."

"Yes, sir. But I am a woman."

"You are, yes, but more important you are an American. Gender is no longer an issue with us, is it?"

"Not NOW, it isn't."

"Pleasantries. Your five minutes are almost up. What are these Siamese twins so highly spoken of by my staff's chief?"

"'We are Si-a-me-eese if you plee-eez. We are Si-a-me-eese if you don't please."

"Puh-leeze. Singing cats will not solve my medical conditions...I don't think."

"Very well, sir. Here's the rub. A slight menthol scent but popular with men older than you. Call it the Fabergé Brut of the boomer generation."

"Boomer Esiason wears mentholated ointment cream?"

"Hey, if Joe Namath can wear panty hose..."

"Ha-ha. I suppose that's an ad we'll soon see Marvin Harrison supporting. 'Men, I've caught many a ball. And at the end of the day, when my thighs are chafing, I like to put on these medicated leg-length hose and sit back to watch highlight tapes of my game.' But we digress, a popular pastime around my beltway, is it not?"

"Indeed, sir. Shall I continue?"

"'If you ple-eeze.'"

"Thanks. So here's the deal. We've divided your condition into two parts. The first part is where we ease your people's pain. Take away the hurt that too much money causes."

"Too much money? Are you sure that's the right phrasing?"

"Not enough?"

"Better."

"We take away the hurt that not enough money causes by working with a corporation that has clinics around the nation, subsidizing their services for the uninsured. Of course, complaints from the industry will rise so we're saying this first step is an experiment on how to set standards. We'll open the door to more nationalized clinics by bringing in medical personnel to Social Security offices."

"Doctors will work in Social Security offices?"

"No, sir. Not even in this economy. Well, except for the retired few who spent too much of their earnings playing around and not enough on retirement investments."

"If they could only see the future..."

"You're telling me. Why, the other day, while I was 'sitting' on the casting couch, I..."

"TMI. Let's move on."

"These SS clinics..."

"'SS clinics'? I don't like the sound of that. Too many people have thrown such derogatory terms around. Chief?"

"Yes, sir."

"What do you call an in-house, publicly-subsidized clinic serving Social Security beneficiaries?"

"In Case of Emergency."

"Perfect! So, Linda, about these In Case of Emergency clinics."

"Okay, sir...these ICE clinics, as you call them, will provide 100 percent of free consultation services, including the usual physical exams, minor injuries, colds, flu, prescription, lab work, et cetera."

"Don't use that word, 'et cetera.' I am past all that."

"Uh...okay, sir."

"'Mr. President.'"

"Mr. President. Yes, sir. To ensure buy-in by the medical industry AND the people, we will say that major medical services provided by the publicly-funded clinic/hospital system will only pay 80 or 90 percent."

"Which one? Eighty or ninety?"

"I don't know, sir."

"Chief, which sounds better. Eighty or ninety percent?"

"Mr. President, that's the sort of numerology that legislative committees like to pull out their Ouija boards and have séances over."

"That's right. Continue, Linda."

"But if they use their own specialists, the people will be reimbursed at a higher rate, say, closer to 100%."

"Interesting, Linda. We subsidize clinics because there's a shortage of general practitioners and subsidize specialists because they have a shortage of patients in this economy?"

"And continue to subsidize the pharmaceutical industry, research labs, et cet...and so on."

"Chief, do we owe any lobbyists in the shark loan business?"

"You mean the payday check cashing and pawn shop industries, Mr. President?"

"Of course. What was I saying?"

"We'll make sure the White House tapes are fuzzy on that one, sir."

"Good. Linda, let's make it short of 100 percent. We need to stimulate the...umm...the...oh hell, call it the loan shark business. Edit that one, too, Chief. Ah, modern technology. Linda, did you know that we record these conversations and put them into MP3 files, making editing much easier than in previous administrations?"

"That's incredible, Mr. President."

"And yet I can't carry a Blackberry around with me. I can't wait until we get a real Area 51 for IT development in the sub-sub-basement of this place. Just imagine the possibilities!"

"Yes, Mr. President."

"My very thoughts recorded for posterity. My decision-making analyzed by university professors feeding off the 'publish or perish' paradigm. Why, soon, they'll no longer need my doubles appearing in quiet restaurants around town because my wife and the kids will have clones doing those charitable appearances for my Washington business owner friends. We can...well, 'need to know,' eh, Linda?"

"Yes, Mr. President."

"Okay, now if you'll just look into my eyes. Notice the brilliance. In a moment, you'll feel funny. You stopped by the White House on a tour and accidentally walked into the Oval Office..."