I'm Not Here

While I wait for the associates of mine to set up the brick-and-mortar bank that will accept the laundered money in the form of a few overpriced paintings they bought for me at auction, I have to make sure my friends in the art business keep pretending this painter's works of crap are actually more than a shortsighted psychopath's view of the world. Otherwise, I'll expose my art critics as the frauds they really are, proving they earned their bars at an art house factory. Or was it they honed their worldview of art in bars? Or cars? Pop art!

Meanwhile, on the safari, we hunt the reclusive wild animal known only to a few boar'd hunters like me. My elephant gun slung over my shoulder, we crawl over the anthills and brown recluse spider hovels to stalk this rare creature. Look at that animal dart and dash. Our scent covered, we approach from an awkward angle. Slowly, I raise my gun, shoulder the butt, take aim - wait...wait...and POW! The percussive boom just inches from my ears made me blink. I missed the moment the last of a species went down. But now, it's mine. I shall dine on its flesh and hang its carved carcass on my trophy wall. Here, have a sip of its life's liquid.

Why do you cringe in horror? You tell me that you can go through your society without depending on meat-eating and I'll tell you you're lying. You may be a vegetarian, vegan, or whatever, but you live in a society of more meat-eaters than not. Just like Michael Moore depends on a capitalist society to sell his anti-capitalist message. It's all a game. Hunt and be hunted.

I depended on Rio to get me out of my capitalist doldrums and then it goes and fixes the game in China. There's nothing wrong with capitalism that a little honesty won't fix. Bribes, bribes, bribes. I looked in my friends' eyes just before my associates took them out for a swim. I said Look, guys (and you gals, too). This is not my fault. I laid down the ground rules. I showed you the cement shoe factory of my forebears. The four bears in the corner, my associates from Russia, want to know what's going on. The lithium in Chile won't make up for this mistake you made. We had a deal with a few minors mining in China. All you had to do was deliver the goods, not cut a little off the top for yourselves. Now? Well, I've got a shipment of shark fin to deliver. How do I go about that? Hmmm...Vladimir, what's the best way to attract sharks, I ask. He spits out the toothpick, takes a look at the machinery my associates like to play with and tells me, Boss, you gotta have what they call chum. I looked at my friends and say Are you my chums? Their wide eyes told me the answer. I got the shark fin delivered on time, 'cept this time we made sure we didn't devastate the population of one shark species, learning from them nature channels that our previous methods were cutting down on our future inventory.

That's how it goes in my world. I play it low-key, show up at big box stores for my photo ops, legit and all, while the world rotates underneath my feet. I take naps in the middle of the day while sweat shops cut my clothes for me. Don't ever take no for an answer. No is for painters who've ended up on the corner of a wet floor, bound to leave footprints for authorities with nothing better to do than judge the size of one's cobbled feet. Yes, yes, yes. Si, si, si. Da. Not nyet.

Threaten the world and the world fights back. Never act like you're in the majority unless you've got friends to back you up. Otherwise, the world shows its strength in numbers, filling restaurant seats, store aisles, road lanes, school chairs and voting booths. When your days are short, be courteous. Pay attention to your neighbours. Love one another. Count your blessings.

I looked at a census report to determine where the future trends are headed, my associates always interested in what I've got to report. It's a pretty picture, ancient in migration patterns, beautiful in pigment portraits. I'm just a TV remote control, not tied to phone, cable or satellite channels. You know that 3D's here. When 4D arrives, you were forewarned.

History's not a channel, it's business, it's life. Drink your coffee in the morning, tea prices being what they are, filtered water tapped or bottled. Once you're awake, let's talk. Never play on the ball field unless you've got a sponsor.