More SPAM for you?

This blog is brought to you by the creators of [this previous space intentionally left blank], a product so revolutionary we can't mention it by name. Should one of our sales consultants find you through your predictable use of the Internet, be sure you won't know the consultant is there, as quiet and efficient as we've trained all of them to get you to start using our product without actually knowing that you're using, promoting and selling our product to others.

Since you've already signed the bottom line of a blank contract, let us take the time to explain some of the details we've filled in for your convenience:

• You belong to us. By giving us your life, you have given us the lives of all your family, friends, associates, dream companions, people you've never met but imagine they exist somewhere, the people who have never met you but imagine you exist somewhere and the dog down the street that urinates on the morning paper of every person on your block (see, we told you it was not the lawn sprinkler that wets your fingers). Oh, the lot of them urinate on e-readers, too, so don't blame the dog for every "accident" - it might be you wetting in your daydream.
  
• The letter "j" or its capital twin "J" can only be used in words and not by itself.
• The use of phrases from other languages you cannot speak - to indicate your suave, debonair sophisticated personality - is simply wrong. You are a laughingstock to your peers, n'est pas?

The remaining sections of this contract will be recorded in the air using invisible ink and only readable for up to 30 days after having been penned in tiny, illegible handwritten script in a language you've never seen (we'll use medical doctors who have perfected their prescription-writing skills).

BTW, congratulations for being the Salesperson of the Month. We would have given you the monetary stipend for this award, but since you don't actually know you're selling the product, we found it too ironic to keep the bonus here at the main office for our daily "Pin the Tail on Your Ass" contest.

We'd invite you to our exclusive annual Top 10 Salespersons resort weekend getaway but you know how it is, the other nine being former stockbrokers. They've overspent our discretionary fund so we had to cut someone out of the budget - of course, it had to be you.