Email Abstraction

"Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you tonight the greatest wordsmith known to mice, unable to communicate with people, but willing to appear ridiculous for you this evening. The one, the only, Email the Abstracted!"

"Wow! Who thought anyone would show up. That'll put the fear of success into my agent's heart. If he had one! Hello, Gentle Ladies and Men of Dubious Desires. My name is Email the Abstracted. Subtracted. Retracted. Redolent. Refundable. You wish...

"From the emails you've sent me comes the following news:

"The Pelosi political machine, born of California grapes, turned to raisins, fermented sometimes, too, has tilted the planet so that the United States balances on the scales of the tomb of Tip O'Neill. The goal, of course, is to eliminate all citizens' pensions, GM setting an example that TVA, being a jealous acronym, longs to follow.

"Government employees that they are, tapping kegs of American products made in Malaysia of Indonesian materials forged in Turkey and mined in Africa, know their jaundiced days are lily-livered and soon to fade. Thus they trip their way across the planet, feeling the pain of growth in China, a loose association of diverse populations joined in sorrow crying over poisoned children and rotten rivers.

"And that's just in this morning's news!

"Next, they'll save from you from themselves or will they save the savings and loans? Wait, that's the previous verse to this song! I forget my place sometimes, too, you see.

"Next, they'll bring on stage a lovely assistant, isn't she lovely, wants to look 20 (but really, she's pushing 40 daisies), diverts the lot of you, envious or lustrous, while a few still watch the hand you thinks holding the magic trick.

"Fools! Every one of me! Watch me pull out the collapsible umbrella, my electable magic wand, and POOF!

"Did you see it disappear? Of course not, it's still right here. And here. And here.

"Think I'd hide just one copy of your taxable returns? Not rich enough!

"And what's more crucial to you than money? I don't mean your mistress, sir. And by the way, your wife's sitting with hers on Row XXX. You get what I mean? Of course you don't! He's too proud to wear his hearing aids, dear lady. Make sure he's got his pick-me-up pills or it's a hot, sweaty, sonorous sleeping bag in bed with you another night, sweet applecake.

"Did I say crucial? Did I mean crucible? Maybe medical, instead? Is that my pocket watch I hear? No, it's ticking, though. A timebomb, perhaps? Ah, I tricked myself this time. Simple Simon met a pieman going to a fairy tale.

"Enough dancing around the subject. But you see, that's the point, isn't it? Dance. Dog-and-pony show. Smoke and mirrors. Divert, divert, divert. The river's running dry. Make 'em do the rain dance one more time. Meanwhile, hitch up the horses, we're heading to better pastures. Let them keep the promised land for their bones to dry upon. Hard to milk the cow when you're cutting off its udders to pay the rent.

"When one assistant's not enough, bring out the Ziegfeld Follies. Oh, but you don't know what I mean, do you, being the mice they told they wouldn't use for lab experiments. No cats or dogs, either. Only primates. Primates? That's you! Oh, ho, ho. Silly me. I've lost my notes again. One moment, please.

"Last but not least. I've got your tax refund ready but before you say another word...keep your hand back, ma'am. I have diseases unknown to modern medicine. See that door over there. And that one. And the third one where the Follies are being performed. Now, don't forget the first two doors. Sir, yes, their legs go all the way up their bodies but part of their legs they call a torso. Leg men! Where do they think the brains are kept? Of course, in their drawers. And how do they draw drawers to begin with? Never mind.

"I was where was I? Oh yeah. Back at the line I was drawing. Power's in the word I haven't said, isn't that what I haven't? Yes, no, maybe. But here's your check. Twelve dollars isn't much but it's worth as much as anything behind these three doors.

"Let's take a look at door number one.

"Yes, it's a lovely trip to South America. First stop, the hills of Columbia. We wanted Juan Valdez to offer a tour but being held as he is for ransom right now, we offer a self-guided romp through the coffee fields. Coughing. Coffin. These words! Let's take a closer look, shall we. Why do these plants look like plastic or silk? Why, that a coca leaf? No, can't be. Anyway, your next port of call is Venezuela. We'll announce your arrival ahead of time so the people will want to welcome Americans with open arms. Or outreached arms. Or another company of yours to give to the people. Chavez, Valdez. You'll be greeted by someone I'm sure, doubt they'll be wearing a fez. All the same. We had planned a swing through Chile and Brazil but our plane doesn't run on sugar cane. Maybe next time.

"And door number two?

"Oh, you don't want that one. It's 'be a world leader for day,' where you'll be promised all sorts of leadership opportunities. But then you'll be trained to read a teleprompter, follow a tight schedule, go nowhere without an army of security guards and have no say in what you do, staying up all night to memorize scripts, scripts and more scripts, like a door-to-door sales jockey riding Sancho Panza's sanchismos. However, you'll get to enjoy such fun events as announcing the annexation of Japan and Germany and the relocation of their people to make way for the first republics designed for those with unrecognizable DNA heritage. Purity's no pâté, you know.

"But I can see you want door number three.

"Ladies, step aside. No more follies for you, you know. The audition for A Chorus Line is taking place next door. Good luck! If you're short and thin enough, try the Fame tryouts.

"And here we are. For your twelve pieces of one-dollar linen cloths, this is what you'll receive. Ta-da!

"For the full effect, put on the 3D glasses stuffed with care in the gum-covered seat pockets in front of you. And we want you to plug in your home theater chairs at this point. There. Everybody ready?

"Feel the rumble. Smell the smoke of the bass shakers moving your jelly bellies around. This is what you've paid for.

"For the next stretch of hard time, you'll get your own cell. Or rather, your own cube. Sorry, I get the words confused sometimes. After you plug in, we want you stay focused on the mesmerizing screen in front of you. And we can see what you're doing, so no hiding in the bathrooms to take a smoke. We've got detectors in there that sync with your security badge. We don't dock your pay. We increase your health insurance.

"Yes, that's right. You've just bought yourself the health insurance plan. Was twelve pieces of colored paper all that painful? Come on. Be real. You can take the kids to the carnival and still have money left over to take your spouse to Carnival in Rio.

"But wait, there's more to this showcase. You knew that, didn't you? I'm no Drew Carey but then why would I want to be?

"Here's what I've got for your tax return. To begin with, can you feel the massaging action of your chair? Do you feel comfortable? That's the benefit you get with this plan - home massages. We wanted to add acupuncture to the prize list but haven't nailed down the pressure points just yet. Thumb screws are optional for those of you with children or misbehaving spouses. Just kidding!

"While you slowly fall asleep, we're going to ease your troubles with a little ambient space music and some pleasant scents tuned to your personality profiles gleaned from your Internet browsing habits. You may feel some slight discomfort while we slip medical ID chips under your skin. Don't worry - we won't sell your information to the lowest bidder. We've gone retail and upscale! Only the highest price will do.

"Those of you still awake are enjoying the symphonic, stereophonic, trumpet calls with me, aren't you? Bet you always wanted to know if you snored louder than your neighbor. Now you know. Not!

"Well, time's up. You've got to pick your choice. I don't have all evening to barter with you over dodecadollar decisions. I'm sure you want door number three. In fact, I bet my agent's salary on your choice. Right, Sarge? See his head shake up-and-down as I marionette his marinaded puppet strings.

"Don't say I made the decision for you. You had plenty of time to agree with my rewarding offer and not a single one of you got up from your chair after we locked your arms and legs in place, did you? I'm kidding. Look at yourselves. Safe as golden pupa in your chrysalis."

"Folks, give a big hand to Email the Abstracted! He's going to appear at the Social Services Center for two shows nightly this weekend. And as you leave, please verify your name, date of birth and identification number, so we can make sure you had a nice time when we call or email you about your opinion of tonight's show. As always, without you this place is just a front for money laundering. Have a safe time getting home!"