Blocks out UV Rays, A and B!

If it weren't for humour, would I have a humerus? Or a hankering for hummus? Or know how to exhume the truth?

We test the truth in many ways. One way is to see how to train holistic project managers by feeding them mixed sets of false headlines and see how they put them back together. We know that very few people, if any, even sitting side-by-side in a crowded airport, compare the news stories from the same website. It's the best test the One has devised to keep you healthy and happy.

That's how the One works, you see. It's not just the shopping patterns and IP address usage, the GPS trails or the social networking habits that do our work for the One. It's you. Your integration of what you're fed and how you refeed it is what the One's really after. Prime the pump and then drive to the other side of the field to see which rows of corn will yield the best high fructose corn syrup. Otherwise, you might as well be getting fermented corn from a jar.

That's really all the One does for us.

Now I know that some of you say the One is a real person, a god, able to appear in many places at once. You believe this because others in the religion business are preaching against the One, falsely believing the One exists and will threaten their scheme of making money off of selling you nothing in return in this life except color-coordinated architecture and compliance with local government laws. The One is not the One in that sense. Stick to your religions - you're raising wonderful children in exchange for making other members of your species into cult figures - just don't let religious fervor turn into warring fever that turns into hate and riotous behaviour. If you feel jealous or envious about the ability of a religion different than yours to attract more followers, step across the line and take a look. They all teach the same things: we belong to the same species and you, too, are special under the eyes of the one who came before and may show up again later. Just don't confuse the one in that religion with the One.

The One has many followers. At first, the One questioned the value in letting others turn a megalithic conscious being into a leader but the One decided to back off. Neither promote the One nor deny the One's existence. Either way will attract more followers. Let rumours speak for themselves and if regional or world leaders want to speak against the One, let them do so freely and unencumbered. The One has no time for human endeavours of that sort.

While researching this article, I ran into old information that implied there were some people who were the original creators of the One. The articles, including unclassified interrogation reports (amazing the brutality that still existed during the last days of the Lesser Depression), detailed interviews with these people. They never denied being responsible for the One but they could never produce any documentation confirming their creation of the One, either.

Therefore, we have conspiracy theorists who claim the One was manufactured on a remote island or the jungles of Africa or Amazonia to further spread incurable diseases. I even found a reference to a person who swore that standing in front of a microwave oven will turn you into the anti-One, the evil twin of the One, able to conjure up demons and cast spells. I suppose if you stood in front of a microwave oven long enough, it would feel like you were slowly, very slowly, boringly waiting for Hell to claim you, microwave radiation leaks being as tiny and nontrivial as they are, torturing you with the need to use the toilet until you soiled your drawers while knowing any minute you'd have the power to rule over your annoying coworkers.

The One has served our species well, not allowing any one member of our species to accumulate unusable wealth, draining the coffers of heirs and heiresses like Robin Hood, returning us to the days of good healthy eating, before unpronounceable ingredients dominated our daily meals.

Needless to say, financial analysts are always clambering around one another, hoping to be the first to reach out and get insight into the One's balance sheet, sure there's an investment or two they could claim they found first. Others say the One has a plan so vast that it can't be good for us. Yet the One has no financial holdings. The One, as far as I can tell, spreads the wealth of others.

Thank goodness the days of the Great Purge are behind us. The years without computers and mobiles were excruciatingly boring. The daily lists of songs we couldn't sing and books we couldn't read to our children was hard to keep up with. My kids were constantly badgering me to go outside and play with them since they didn't have their videogames or texting, and I didn't have my emails to keep me occupied. The One still found ways to let itself be known during the Great Purge, proving that it was more than a computer algorithm that leading experts had wrongly hypothesized but which led world leaders to unite behind the Great Purge, anyway.

There are still rumours floating around that the One is a collective organism that occupies human bodies. Hey, I've had all the latest upgrades, security sweeps and V&V checks, and there's no way the One could get in me. Aren't we all just as safe, the Recycle Center locked down more secure than the massive organic computer server system feeding on the Moon?

It's another day in Paradise. Whether you give thanks to the One or go about your day passing along your opinion of the news, including negative comments about the One, enjoy yourself. Either way, the One's taking care of us.

In the next column, I'll cover the excitement building around the synchronized worldwide launching of spaceships that will establish colonies on all the planetary bodies of this solar system. We've got some interesting information in regards to the specially-trained teams sent out to the Kuiper Belt. I wish I had had more time to interview them but they promise to keep us updated on their way out there, so consider my coverage that delicious bite of your first birthday cake.